How to Recover From Parenting Mistakes
A parent told me recently that it felt like everything they did as a parent was a "make or break" moment that could affect their child forever.
That's a lot of pressure to put on yourself!
It's so common to worry and wonder, "Oh, no! Have I messed up my kid?"
These pressures and fears make perfect sense and you're in good company with most other parents if you've thought these things too.
Of course we want to do our best as parents.
Of course we feel anxious that we might have made a mistake.
Of course we feel bad when we believe we've messed up.
The truth is that it's only natural that we're going to make parenting mistakes.
Lots of them, in fact.
Because we're human and we can't always be our best selves.
For example, when we're hungry, tired, stressed, anxious, frustrated, overwhelmed or unsure how to handle a tough situation, we might yell or get impatient or say something that hurts our kids.
It happens to all of us.
It's rare that these things will severely damage our children - assuming we're not talking about any behavior that includes violence, abuse, addiction or mental illness.
Yet, we want to do better and feel more confident and satisfied with our parenting choices.
So, let me offer you some encouragement.
You can recover if you make a mistake.
You can remind yourself - If I mess up, I can recover by apologizing to my child and repairing our relationship.
Here's what that can look like:
1) Pick a time to talk when you and your child are both calm.
2) Start with an apology. For example:
I’m sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at you.
I'm sorry I didn’t listen and gave you advice when you didn't want it.
I'm sorry I said X. That came out wrong and I didn't mean to hurt you.
I'm sorry I said I'd take away your phone/iPad for a month. I overreacted. I realize that's too much and I want to come up with a better plan together.
3) Ask for a do-over.
Can I have a do-over? or I'd like to have a do-over.
Then say what you wish you had the first time.
I really don't like having to remind you to clean up your room. What can we do so you can do this on your own?
I really want to hear what you were telling me. I promise I'll just listen.
I meant to say Y instead of X. I wish I'd said this the first time.
Can we talk now about how to make sure you're getting your homework done on time and not getting distracted by your phone?
We all make mistakes sometimes.
It can be helpful to remember that when you make a mistake with your child, all is not lost!
Apologizing and repairing your relationship with your child is a constructive action you can take.
One of the great things about parenthood is that you have many second chances.
Our kids know when we've messed up and they truly want us to get it right! They are grateful when we apologize and work to make the situation better, because they feel reassured that we love them.
In apologizing, reconnecting and trying again, you’re also modeling for your children that they can do the same in their relationships.
This is a wonderful and important lesson to teach.
I want to suggest three things about parenting that are simultaneously true.
1) We’re all on a parenting journey.
2) We all have the potential to grow as parents.
3) At each point in our journey, including this moment now, we’re all doing the best we can.
No one is a perfect parent now. No one will ever be a perfect parent. And perfection isn’t even the point.
The goal is to bring the best of ourselves to our children in order to have a close relationship with them and help them to be their best selves.
If you agree with all of this, it can make it a little easier to forgive yourself for the times things don’t go the way you wanted.
You can recover if you put effort in. If you're reflecting when you've made mistakes, repairing your relationships with your kids and responding better next time, you're doing a great job a a parent.
Take the Next Step
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