How to teach your child to speak up for their boundaries
Last summer, my then seventeen-year-old daughter started dating, and I was impressed when she told me that she and her friends had all been asked by their respective boyfriends about what kind of physical relationship they were comfortable with. Each couple seemed to have had an open conversation and all feelings were respected.
This is sometimes referred to as consent, and it's all about knowing your boundaries and being able to speak up for them.
It's often easier to have these conversations if you've felt supported in standing up for yourself and your physical space at other times in your life. We can start teaching our children about boundaries at any time, even from the earliest ages.
I'm a believer in finding teachable moments and this topic can naturally arise when our toddlers first indicate that they don't want to give or receive hugs, kisses or other touches from close relatives.
Here's what this might look like:
Imagine a family going to visit grandparents. Grandpa is waiting with a big smile outside his front door as the parents, a six-year-old girl and a 2.5-year-old boy get out of the car. Mom and daughter walk quickly up the path and greet Grandpa with a hug and kiss. Dad walks with son who just woke up from a nap. Son is tired and he dawdles as he walks up the path. As they near, Grandpa opens his arms and son continues to walk slowly. Dad firmly pushes his son toward Grandpa. Son looks down and doesn't hug Grandpa.
What message was the father sending to his son in this moment?
The message the son could have received is: Even if you don't want to or even if you feel uncomfortable or even if you're not ready, you still have to give the physical greeting I want you to give when I want you to give it.
The dad's desire for his son to show enthusiasm and hug his grandfather is completely understandable.
If there are good relationships in the family, it's natural for us to want our kids to love their grandparents and feel close to them. We also may not want our parents to think our kids are rude by not greeting them, or that we are not doing a good enough job as parents because we haven't taught our children better manners. It makes perfect sense that we don't want to feel embarrassed or judged.
All of these feelings are very normal and common.
To look at this more deeply, I want to invite you to consider whose feelings are being focused on in this scenario and whose feelings are not being considered.
What I have found is that when we're mostly concerned about our own fears and how the grandparents are feeling, we may unintentionally leave out our child's feelings.
If we do consider our child's feelings, we can create a teachable moment about boundaries and consent.
We can teach our children that they have the right not to feel like giving or receiving physical touch, and that is okay.
And we can empower them by giving them language to express themselves tactfully.
"Hi Grandpa! I don't want to hug right now."
"Hi Grandma, I want to 'high five' hello."
Another situation I've dealt with in my family is a relative who liked to pinch children's butts, because that's how they were treated as a child by their older relatives. However, my child, understandably, didn't like this at all!
These are also teachable moments about boundaries and consent and could include:
1. Validating your child's feelings (for example): "I totally understand why you don't like being pinched."
2. Asking your child if they feel comfortable letting the relative know they don't like pinches in order to give your child agency.
If your child doesn't feel comfortable, you can ask if it would help to talk about what they could say and practice it together. This can help build your child's confidence. They may also want you to be with them when they talk to the other person.
If your child declines your offer to practice and/or still says they don't feel comfortable, you can ask if they'd like you to speak to the relative for them and let them know what you are going to say.
3. Giving your child language to use:
"I don't like pinches."
"Pinches hurt me."
"Please don't pinch me."
Teaching our children to speak up for themselves, especially with family, can be challenging if assertiveness is an area we struggle with ourselves.
Wherever you are on your assertiveness journey and whatever your values about boundaries and consent, here are a few questions to consider:
1. How do you feel your personal boundaries were respected as a child? What messages did you receive about standing up for your boundaries?
2. What do you like about the way your parent(s) respected your boundaries?
3. What do you wish they had done differently?
4. How does your experience influence what you want to teach your children about boundaries and consent?
In order to respect other people's boundaries, it helps tremendously if we have experience receiving respect for our own. All of our children can benefit from feeling that they are empowered to set their own boundaries and speak up for themselves.
Warmly,
Sharon
P.S. Here is a video about consent my children watched during their middle school years. They found it memorable and helpful. (Alternatively, you can search for "Tea Consent (Clean)" on YouTube.)
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