The Truth About Our Children's Lying
Few things make us yell more easily than when our child lies to us.
It can feel like a reflexive reaction.
But why do we yell?
Why do our kids lie in the first place?
And what are the most effective ways to help our kids tell the truth?
As you read on, I hope you'll gain new insights about how to help your kids become more honest.
Why do children lie?
There are several reasons children might lie. Here are some common ones:
Fear of punishment: Children may lie to avoid getting into trouble or facing consequences for their actions, including breaking rules or making mistakes.
To experiment or test limits: Children may lie as a way of testing their own abilities and the reactions of those around them.
Insecurity or low self-esteem: Children may lie to make themselves look better to others, particularly when they doubt themselves.
Need for attention or praise: Children may lie to gain praise or attention, especially if they feel ignored or unimportant.
Peer pressure: Children may lie to fit in or impress their friends.
Reaction to stress or pressure: Children may lie to cope with the stress or pressure they feel in challenging situations.
Protection of others: Children may lie to avoid hurting someone's feelings, or to prevent someone else from getting in trouble, especially if they don't know that an adult might be able to help.
Developmental stage: Lying is a normal part of a child’s development and indicates that a child has learned that their mind and thinking are separate from their parents'. Recent research has found that most children learn to lie between the ages of two and four.
Role-playing and imagination: Young children can be very imaginative, and they may not always distinguish between reality and make-believe. They may also not understand the concept of lying and the impact it can have.
Copying Behavior: Children can learn to lie by observing the behavior of others and then mimicking that behavior, especially when it relates to adults they trust.
Applying this to yourself and your family:
Did any of the reasons on this list surprise you?
What were the reasons you lied when you were young?
Which of the reasons above, or others you have thought of, explain why your children lie?
What was your childhood experience with lying?
To understand our kids better, feel more empathetic and deepen our understanding of interpersonal dynamics, it often helps to recall our own feelings and experiences as children.
I don't remember what I lied about in elementary school, but I do remember how angry my mom's face looked, the loudness of her voice, and how scared I felt. I remember wanting to get as far away from my mom as possible, and feeling disconnected from her emotionally.
I also remember a later lecture from my parents that left me feeling defeated when they told me I couldn't be trusted in the future if I didn't tell the truth. I felt like there was no hope and no way of overcoming the terrible thing I'd done. I don't remember what I did wrong, but I do remember my feelings.
Applying this to yourself and your family:
How did your parent(s) react when you lied as a child?
How did you feel in response to your parent's reaction?
How do you react now when your child lies?
How do you imagine your child feels about your reaction?
Why do we yell when our children lie?
Even though I didn't like getting yelled at when I lied as a child, I still yelled at my children when they lied. It's so easy to forget how we felt as kids! I also sense that yelling is the way we think we're supposed to react, because that's all we know, and we don't think deeply about it.
Underneath it all, we yell because we want our kids to stop lying and be honest from now on.
There are usually some other feelings going on for us as well. Based on examining my own reactions and talking with clients, here are some common reasons we yell when our kids lie:
Wanting our message to get through: We may feel that if we raise our voice, we can make our child understand the severity of their actions.
Fear: We may worry that our child's dishonesty will lead to negative consequences down the line. Maybe we worry that they will never be trustworthy. Because of these fears, we want to communicate the seriousness of the situation.
Anger: We may feel our child is disrespecting or betraying us with their lies.
Disappointment: We may feel disappointed that our child is not behaving responsibly, maturely or properly, especially if we have worked hard to instill values of honesty and integrity in our child.
Frustration: If we feel like our child is not listening or not taking our words seriously, we may yell to get their attention.
Intimidation: We may think that by yelling we can force our child to tell the truth.
Emotional release: Yelling is a way to express the strong feelings we have inside about lying and honesty, and the upsetting thing our child has done.
If you yell at your kids when they lie, what are your underlying reasons?
While yelling may feel like a good way to express our emotions and to correct our child's behavior, it can be counterproductive. Here's why:
Yelling can inadvertently cause more lying. As I shared from my childhood experience, yelling can be scary and overwhelming for children, which can make them more likely to lie in the future in order to avoid being yelled at.
Yelling can also cause a your child to temporarily feel separated or disconnected from you, which hurts your relationship.
You child may not absorb your intended message, because they will be too focused on their feelings (e.g., fear, anger, hurt) about you or themselves.
Yelling doesn’t solve the lying problem if it doesn’t teach your child what they can do differently to get their needs met. This comes into play often if the lying is caused by issues like low self-esteem, peer pressure, need for more praise, or trying to protect others.
Not knowing what they can do differently can leave children feeling stuck, and more likely to repeat their lies in the future.
What helps children to tell the truth?
Helping children to stop lying requires a combination of approaches used consistently over time.
I discovered this when one of my daughters started crying and shutting down when I yelled at her for lying. I realized my message wasn't getting through and I was worried about her reaction.
I switched to talking to her firmly, but kindly, and started asking more questions to open up a conversation with her. I found this worked much better. I used this approach with my other daughter with the same results, and ultimately gave up yelling as my go-to response in these situations.
My later studies in child development supported the changes I made.
Here are some approaches to consider to help your child learn to tell the truth.
Encourage honesty: Encourage children to be honest and praise them when they are. Point out when they have told the truth, even if it’s a small thing. Demonstrate to your children that their honesty is valued and appreciated.
Model honesty: Children learn by watching what we do. If you’re honest with them and with others, they’re more likely to follow your example. To take stock of your current modeling, consider whether your children hear you telling white lies to others, admitting mistakes, and taking responsibility for your behavior.
Create a safe environment to talk: Let your child know that it's okay to tell the truth, even if it's difficult. Let them know that if they tell you the truth, you won't get angry, no matter what happened.
Use curiosity: When you catch your children lying, try starting with curiosity about what caused it. Consider the reasons above for why children lie. Use non-judgmental questions to help your child explain to you what happened.
Address the root cause: Once you understand the cause of the lying, help your child think through a better way to handle the situation in the future. Consider whether there are things you can do to help your child if the root cause involves issues like coping with stress, wanting more attention or having low self-esteem. or your child is unsure what they should do.
Help your child make amends: Talk with your child about how to make amends for their lie. Do they need to apologize in person or in writing? Is there another action they need to take? Making amends is often a more powerful way to teach honesty than punishment or consequences, because making amends teaches children how to take responsibility for their behavior and right their wrongs.
Leave your child with a feeling of hope: Let your child know that you believe in them and their ability to do better in the future. So much of our natural response to lying is to talk about how we'll never be able to trust our kids if they keep lying. Leaving your child with a feeling of hope is not only more motivating, but more likely to encourage your child to tell the truth in the future.
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