What To Do When Relatives Judge Your Parenting
Unfortunately, we live in a culture that is highly critical of parenting, and of moms in particular.
Holiday gatherings can be a prime time for relatives to share their unsolicited opinions about our kids and our parenting that hurt our feelings, create self doubt, and cause us stress.
This is bad enough on its own, but it's often added on top of other stressors.
With travel, changes in routine, less sleep, excitement about presents and busy days, our kids might be tired, hyped up, or anxious about what presents they'll receive. Their feelings might cause them to act out in frustrating ways at the least convenient times.
We may also be tired and stressed leading up to the holidays. In addition to changes in environment, routine and sleep, we may have high expectations for how we want the holidays to be and we may worry about how our kids will behave.
All of this can cause to to feel more vulnerable when negative comments and unhelpful advice are thrown our way.
You know the comments I'm talking about.
“Just tell her she’s a bad girl.” That goes against all the ways you want to parent
“You shouldn’t have punished him like that. You were too harsh.” Ouch, that hurts!
“Oh, just let her have another cookie." (Said in front of your child after you've told her no. Now she's starting to whine.) You know your child has already eaten four cookies and gets really amped after eating a lot of sugar.
"There's no reason to keep your kids on a schedule. It's the holidays!" You know your children will be cranky and difficult tomorrow if they don't go to sleep at a reasonable time.
Should we ignore the criticism? Or respond? What’s the best thing to say?
It can help to understand what’s behind the critical comments you’re hearing before you decide how to handle them.
Here are nine common reasons relatives criticize our parenting:
1. Anxiety – Some people are uncomfortable witnessing your child's strong feelings and behaviors, or they are worried that you are doing something that is "bad" for your child. They criticize because they don't know how else to cope with their own difficult feelings.
2. Control – They want to control you and your choices, so you do what they think is best.
3. Threat – They feel threatened by your apparent confidence and independence.
4. Hurt and Rejection - Some parents imagine you are rejecting them and their parenting expertise when you handle parenting differently than they did, or don't ask for or take their advice.
5. Self-Doubt – They secretly fear they did a “bad” job and feel bad about their choices, especially when they see you handling parenting differently than they did. Subconsciously, they hope that if they can get you to change, their self-doubt will go away.
6. Negativity – They are naturally judgmental and/or have a negative view of many things in life. Therefore, they criticize everything, including you.
7. Self-Involvement – Some parents see you as an extension of themselves; they worry that your "mistakes" will reflect negatively on them.
8. Dogmatic – They believe so strongly in their way of doing things that they believe it is the only way.
9. Communication Skills – These people want to help, but don’t know the best way to communicate with you, so they express themselves in ways that feel critical and hurtful.
Of course, some people fell into more than one of these categories.
Which of these types of people are you most likely to encounter at your family gatherings?
All of these reasons for judgmental comments have a common denominator. They are about the fears, thoughts and personality of the person giving the criticism.
They are not really about you.
Yes, the comments are directed at you, but, at the root, they are not really about you.
Therefore, one suggestion that may help is to not take these criticisms personally.
Easier said than done, for sure!
For many years, I felt the sting when my parents questioned some of my choices. From experience, I can tell you that with inner work and practice, it gets easier to not take these comments personally.
A second insight about the person giving the criticism: They may not want to change their behavior.
Has someone ever wanted you to change, but you didn’t want to?
How did you react?
If you've never experienced this, maybe you can imagine what it feels like.
If you suspect you’re interacting with someone who doesn’t want to stop criticizing, efforts to change them will wear you out and won’t get you what you want.
I say this not to be fatalistic, but rather realistic about what could happen.
I want you to put your energy toward successful solutions.
So, what can you do?
There are many ways of handling criticisms of your parenting choices.
The best option for your situation depends on:
how much this is bothering you
your preferred way to handle conflict
your relationship with the other person
the motivation behind their criticisms or disagreements
Here is a starter list of options to consider:
1) Wait a beat. Take some breaths to find more calm. You don't have to respond immediately.
2) Ignore the criticism, let it roll off your back, and keep doing what you know is right for your kids.
3) Say, "Thank you. I'll keep that in mind." (And whether you actually do is your private decision).
4) Say thank you and that you know they mean well, and then explain why you do things differently, or simply say you choose to do things differently.
5) Change the topic if you don’t want to discuss it.
6) Limit your time with them if they just won’t stop, and the negative comments are stressing you out.
It takes courage to choose any path in response to criticism.
It can help to remember you are not alone, you know your children best, and you always have choices about how to respond.
Which path would you like to choose?
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