How To Talk To Your Children About Mass Shootings
As they hear and see things about mass and school shootings, our children may feel uncertain, anxious or fearful.
We sometimes avoid discussing certain topics with children, thinking we are protecting them from scary information or difficult feelings.
If our children have already been exposed to this information, however, our silence may allow their fear to grow.
Talking with our kids about difficult topics strengthens our relationship with them, helps them feel safe, and equips them with resources to handle future situations.
Here are 6 tips for talking to your children about shootings and other difficult topics.
1) Take care of yourself first
Before talking with your children about shootings or any challenging topic, you’ll want to make sure you are calm and prepared.
If you are feeling overwhelmed, sad, angry or worried, activities like these can help you feel more centered:
Accept all your feelings – they are natural and normal. Please know you are not alone.
Get enough sleep
Eat well
Take a break from the news if you need to
Do something that makes you feel relaxed or happy
Find support from family and friends
To get prepared for your conversation with your child:
Think about what information and message you want to share with them.
Think about what questions they might have and how you will answer them.
Many questions are likely to center around safety (e.g., shootings happen too often; I thought our town was safe; worries that children are not safe at school or malls).
2) Ask what your children already know
If you want to broach the topic with your kids, asking what they have heard and what they know is a helpful way to begin.
Once you understand where they're staring from, you'll know what additional information to share.
Also, if your child has misinformation or information you haven’t heard, you can
ask where they got that information
share the correct information
check the information using a credible source
It’s okay if you don’t have all the answers. Your child will appreciate learning from and with you.
Using an open, light tone creates a comfortable environment for the conversation.
If you have younger children who don’t seem affected by current events, there is no need to ask them about this topic.
3) Validate your child's feelings and reassure them
If your child brings up their feelings about the shooting or you ask them how they’re feeling, here are a few tips:
Instead of dismissing their concerns: “There’s nothing to worry about.”
Or offering general reassurance: “Everything is okay.”
Try validating their feelings: “It is scary. It’s okay to feel scared and to talk to me about it. I’m always here for you.”
When children experience their feelings being validated and accepted, they feel greater relief and safety. They will also feel closer to you.
Reassuring your child honestly is also important.
Even though I wish I could promise my kids that there will not be a shooting at their school and that everything is okay, that is sadly not true. Here are some examples of reassurance that are truthful.
If your children ask questions about school safety, you can also reassure them about all the different ways their school focuses on keeping them safe (e.g., locked entryways, check in at the main office with id, emergency drills, principals and teachers who truly care about their safety).
In talking about the mall, you can discuss how security officers and first responders are there to protect them and a police officer killed the gunman in this recent incident.
4) Answer your child's questions
Make time to listen to what your child is asking and let them feel they have your full attention.
Tailor your answers and how much detail you provide to the age, maturity and emotional sensitivity of your child.
Short, clear, basic information is most helpful for kids preschool to age 8.
Slightly more detail and sharing your beliefs about the shooting are helpful for kids ages 8 to 10.
More detailed information and discussion are helpful for kids in middle and high school. Asking what they think about different aspects of the situation is another good way to extend the conversation. If your child has a different perspective than you, an open conversation sharing your different ideas can be enlightening.
Although you may want to be fully honest, consider whether sharing all your feelings and concerns about the shooting would cause more anxiety for your kids.
Some parents have shared with me that their early elementary aged children didn’t seem to understand the full magnitude of the shooting event. This is completely normal and also protects their emotional well being.
5) Watch for signs of trauma
It is normal for child to be anxious about shootings. If they appear extremely fearful or withdrawn, or you notice changes in their sleeping or eating habits in the coming days or during a future drill at school, please seek professional help for them.
6) Provide opportunities for healing
Children who were near or at the mall, or knew someone who was, or children who feel the effects of violence deeply, may need to grieve or release anxiety. We each process our emotions differently. Some children may want to talk or write or draw about it. Some may want to be alone. Allow your child to process in the way that is best for them. Sometimes, this can feel challenging if your way of processing is different from theirs.
In the coming days, there may be marches and vigils, as well as opportunities to donate money, write cards and letters. If your personal values lead you to these activities and you think your child would benefit from them, invite them to join you. Feeling that you can take action to make a difference, even in a small way, can be healing for many people.
Informing your children about the different ways others are helping and supporting too can reassure them that there are many good and generous people in the world.
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