A Key Way to Feel Better About Your Child's Screen Time

It's no wonder that feeling confident and comfortable with our children's screen use is hard!

We're the first generation of parents raising digital natives, and we can't refer to our own childhoods and the way our parents handled things to figure out what to do.

It makes perfect sense that we live with doubts about whether we're making the right decisions.

We want the best for our kids and there's so much information about how technology can be harmful to them.

Here are some common worries I hear from parents:

Kids aren't interacting with us, because they're on their phone too much.
Will they learn the interpersonal skills they need to interact use face-to-face in the real world when they spend so much time online?
They're not getting their homework done, because they're distracted by technology.
How can we keep them from exposure and involvement with sexting, cyber-bullying, visiting inappropriate internet sites, and engaging with strangers?
Will they hurt their future reputation because of a post they made or by not maintaining enough privacy.
Is their self-esteem being harmed because they're so focused about the number of likes their posts receive?
Are they at risk for screen addiction?

Can you relate to any of these?

All of these fears are totally valid.

And you've probably read stories, like I have, about these things happening to other children, which can fuel our fear even more.

My caution is that when we parent from a place of fear, we tend to have more battles with our kids about technology that leave us both feeling frustrated.

And neither our fear nor our frustration, on their own, will help us keep our kids safe.

However, it's important to pay attention to any fears you hold, because they're pointing to something that needs your attention.

I'll never tell you to ignore fear or sweep it under the rug or simply soldier on.

In coaching, I'll help you explore your fear, understand it, and harness it for good purposes.

We can't do that together in a blog post, but I want to offer you some insight about how your child may feel when they're using technology, a different way of thinking about their technology use, and one important next step you can take to make this issue a little easier.

HOW YOUR CHILD FEELS WHEN USING TECHNOLOGY

Consider these different possibilities and which might apply to your child.

Entertained by what they watch, read and play.
Seen and successful when their posts get likes, comments and shares, or they level up in a game.
Energized and pulled in by the dopamine hits they get from notifications, likes, and the ways games are structured to keep players engaged.
Connected to friends through texts and games they play together.
Soothed because technology can distract them from the stress of any problems they are experiencing.

What other ways might your child might feel when they're on their screen?

A DIFFERENT WAY OF THINKING ABOUT TECHNOLOGY

Consider how you feel about your child engaging in any one of these screen activities for two hours:

Researching something they're interested in.
Doing homework and asking friends for help with assignments when they get stuck.
Listening to music.
Creating a music video for their original song.
Laughing while watching episodes of their favorite show.
Playing a game alone or with friends.
Scrolling on IG or Snapchat.
Texting with a friend.
Watching a movie with you and/or the whole family.

The perspective I'd like to offer is that not all screen time is the same.

Some has more value than others, and each of us gets to decide how we value these different activities.

One of our challenges is that we typically don't know everything our child is doing online, so it's hard to know the value of the time they're spending.

Or, sometimes we think we know what they're doing and we don't think it's a good use of their time.

Either way, it's easy for our fears and frustration to increase when we don't have the full picture.

And that is exactly what I want to help you with in the next section.

One Important Next Step You Can Take

One effective way to find out what your child is really doing is to engage with them about their technology use.

This could look like:

Playing the game with them. Ask them to teach it to you, and ask what they like most about it.
Ask about the music they listen to and share favorite songs with each other.
Ask what aspects of social media they like and dislike.
Ask who they follow or what they're learning about online.
Have them show you a feed or video they like.
Ask what they enjoy doing most online.
Share that you just read an article about kids and technology (for example - how kids can get really caught up in how many people like their posts which can affect how they feel about themselves). Ask what they are seeing with their friends on this topic. Ask if your child agrees or disagrees with what the article says.
What other ways can you think of to engage positively with your child about their screen time?

The purpose of engaging with your child is not only to get more information about what they are doing, but also to build an even stronger relationship and mutual trust around their technology use.

The stronger your relationship and the more trust you generate, the more you're able to influence your child's choices and have constructive conversations when you want to help them spend less time on screens or use technology in more productive ways.

The more openness you have with your child about their technology use, the less you need to rely solely on tactics like going through your child's phone and accounts to see what they're doing, and reassure yourself that they are safe.

When kids resent us going through their phone and trust is low, they get better at hiding things from us. For example, they could open a Discord account you don't know about and have all their online conversations with friends there, so you can't read them.

Here's a conversation I had with a dad recently who was worried about how much time his son spent playing an online game. When he finally asked his son about the game and what he was doing, the dad found out his son was researching how to register for a special online training that would certify him to coach other players.

The dad was amazed! He had no idea his son was doing this. He found his son's initiative and desire to help others a worthy use of screen time.

This dad shifted from being annoyed at his son for spending so much time playing the game to seeing the value in the experiences his son was gaining.

I want to encourage you to engage more with your kids about what they are doing online, and to leave open the possibility that you may discover that they are doing something interesting and productive.

Wishing you conversations with your child that lessen your worries and bring you and your child even closer.

Take the Next Step

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