What To Do When Your Child Wants To Quit
Maybe your child:
> Begged to join the basketball team.
> Was accepted by nomination into a leadership camp.
> Loves dance and has been taking lessons for two years.
And suddenly, one day in, one week in, or in the middle of a session you’ve already paid for, they tell you they want to quit!
For many of us, this creates an internal conflict.
If we say yes, we worry we’re not teaching our child to persevere and follow through on their commitment.
If we say no, we worry maybe we’re being too harsh and forcing our child to do something they really hate. We wonder if they’ll end up resenting us.
And every option seems to lead to a negative outcome, it’s no wonder we feel stressed, confused, and like we’re falling short as parents.
But from my experience—both with clients and when my own daughter wanted to quit her gymnastics camp after just one week—there is often more to this issue than only these two choices that don’t feel quite right.
In fact, believing that “Yes, quit” or “No, stick it out” are the only two options can limit our ability to find a solution that feels right for everyone.
Here are some ways to approach this situation differently.
1) LISTEN
Even if you’re disappointed or annoyed that your child wants to quit, take a moment to listen to what your child is saying. Let them know that you’ve heard them.
Creating a safe space for your child to speak up when something is wrong is one of the most powerful ways to build a close, open, and loving relationship.
Listening to and validating your child’s feelings is also one of the most powerful ways to build your child’s self-esteem.
Each time you acknowledge and understand their emotions, you increase the chances with future problems and be open to your guidance.
You don’t have to agree with how your child feels. What matters most is that they know you are listening and value their perspective.
2) ASK QUESTIONS
When your child says they want to quit, ask why > with genuine curiosity and without judgment.
Sometimes, you’ll discover there are deeper issues. For example:
> When my client’s child wanted to quit her ballet lessons, it turned out that some of the other kids were teasing her.
> Another mom told me that her son wanted to quit a leadership camp he’d been selected for, because it was too athletically challenging and he hated it.
3) INVESTIGATE FURTHER
If you want to corroborate what your child is telling you or get more information, you can often observe a class or a practice, or speak with the teacher or coach.
For instance, when the mom of the son in the leadership camp spoke to the program leaders, they verified that her son was struggling and that the program was only going to get harder. The mom also learned that the program punished kids who were struggling or misbehaving by having them do extra exercises. This approach didn’t fit the mom’s values about exercise or punishment. This insight helped her make a more informed decision.
Investigating, when needed, allows you to uncover the root cause of your child’s reluctance, empowering you to find a more tailored solution.
4) CONSIDER YOUR VALUES AND THE LESSONS YOU WANT TO TEACH
Once you have a clearer picture, reflect on the values and lessons you want to instill in your child.
Maybe, as in the leadership camp experience, it’s that your child doesn’t have to stay in activity that’s supposed to be fun or an honor when it’s really not a fit, and therefore won’t be fun or beneficial.
The application of this lesson has ripple effects far beyond this moment.
For example:
> You don’t have to stay in a job you hate and work for a terrible boss.
> You don’t have to do the (insert activity, club, etc. here) everybody else does, if you don't enjoy it.
> You don’t have to stay in a relationship that isn’t right for you, even if everyone is telling you what a great person your partner is.
On the other hand, if the only reason your child wants to quit an activity is because of a minor discomfort - like they’re having trouble waking up early - you might use this opportunity to teach problem-solving and perseverance. Together, you could brainstorm solutions to make waking up easier.
Your other lesson might be that there are important skills, values or experiences they can attain by staying in the activity.
The clearer you are about the values and lessons you want to convey, the more confident you’ll feel in your decision, and the easier it will be to explain it to your child.
5) DISCUSS YOUR DECISION WITH YOUR CHILD
When you explain the decision you’ve made, include the “why” behind it. Even if your child doesn’t agree, they’re more likely to respect your reasoning if it’s well thought out.
You may also want to get your child’s input about the solution.
For example, the mom whose son wanted to quit the leadership camp allowed her son to stop, because he was going to keep struggling and having a negative experience.
The mom talked to her son about why she was letting him stop and how she was glad her son had spoken up. She acknowledged his feelings and the program’s challenges. This mom also talked about the value of perseverance and commitment, and how regular exercise was important.
Then she asked her son what other physical activity he would like to participate in and the child chose swimming. The mom enrolled her son in swimming lessons which the child loved and stuck with.
By involving your child in the process, you empower them to take ownership of their choices and learn valuable life skills.
For more ideas about how to teach kids commitment and follow through, click HERE for Part 2 of this article where I answer this question.
Our response to “I want to quit” can be so much deeper and helpful than the binary choice that first comes to mind.
When we widen our perspective, uncover root causes, consider our values, and stay open to new possibilities, both we and our children grow.
And by shifting our focus from frustration to understanding, we can see our children’s challenges—and our own parenting—in a more positive light.
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