I Don't Know How Much Longer I Can Keep Saying No to Instagram!
Do you find yourself feeling torn about how to handle your kids’ repeated requests for a phone, social media or the latest app, game or tv show?
Many of their friends and classmates may already be using them. You’d rather your kids didn’t, but you don’t want them to be left out. And maybe it feels like you’re getting worn down because your child keeps asking.
You are not alone! There is no one-size-fits all answer to the question of if and when your child should use technology. So, how do you figure it out?
Here are a series of steps you can take and questions you can ask yourself to help make the decision that is right for you, your child and your family.
1) GET MORE INFORMATION:
If it’s social media, an app, a game, a tv show, or even a book - get more familiar with it.
When my husband and I disagreed about a television show for our seven-year-old daughter, we got caught up in a long argument about who was right. We couldn’t convince each other to change our minds. The solution – we watched the show ourselves. Once we did, we both agreed our daughter shouldn’t watch it.
So, if you need more information: Research it on commonsensemedia.org or other sites you trust. Read on-line reviews. Watch the tv show. Read the book. Subscribe to Instagram. Maybe even download the app or game. And see what it’s like.
When you learn more about the thing in question and even experience it yourself, you can more easily articulate exactly what you like and dislike about it. This can make your decision easier. It can also provide the rationale for your decision when you talk to your child (see step 5 below).
Sometimes, when you get more information, you can also find an objective reason to say no. For example, Instagram’s Terms of Service says you have to be at least 13 years old to use it. So, if your eleven-year-old is asking to use Instagram, you can use Instagram’s rule as your basis for saying no. Before you do that, you also have to have answers to the natural follow up responses your child will have:
“So, can I use it when I turn 13?” (see the next two sections for more help) and
“But my friend uses it and she’s my age!” (You can say: Different families handle things differently. In our house, we don’t want you to use technology before the required age.)
2) TAILOR YOUR DECISION TO YOUR CHILD:
Consider your child’s personality and maturity level.
Is your child mature for his/her age? Is your child responsible with their belongings? How easily do they follow your rules for their behavior? Do you trust your child to handle their social media posts, texts or phone responsibly?
Saying no because your child has not yet demonstrated sufficient maturity is perfectly valid. It is also okay to say no to a phone for your ten year old who is not yet responsible or mature enough, even though her more mature, older sibling got a phone when he was ten.
Though not always an easy conversation, with proper thought and planning, you can explain this to your younger child with confidence and compassion, and hold your ground.
3) TAILOR YOUR DECISION TO YOUR VALUES:
Get clear on your personal values around the use of technology
Getting clear on your values gives you a compass and framework for your decisions. When in doubt, you can always refer back to your guiding values. Here are some questions to consider:
Why do you believe screen time is valuable for children?
Why do you believe it’s important to have time away from screens/devices?
What role do you want technology to play in your child’s life right now?
What is the purpose of your child having a phone, using Instagram, having the game, etc. (from your perspective)?
Why do you believe your child should have it or not?
What is making you feel torn about whether to say yes or no?
4) SET GUIDELINES:
What guidelines do you want to set around technology use?
It’s helpful to set guidelines or rules about how technology will be used in your family, especially if a new technology is being allowed.
You can also create guidelines if your kids have already started using some technology. You can simply say that you’ve been reading about screen time and learned that it’s helpful and healthy for the whole family to have rules about it.
It’s often helpful if parents think through what they want the guidelines to be before they discuss them with their children. Some parents like to create guidelines first and then get their children’s input, depending on the children’s maturity level. Some guidelines might be expanded, changed or clarified based on that discussion. Some guidelines may remain non-negotiable.
Guidelines are help in two main ways. (1) Your children will know what the rules are and there won’t be any surprises. (2) If you need to enforce the rules down the line, you will be prepared, have reasons for your decisions and can be more fair and consistent.
It may be helpful to have a contract that you sign with your child that spells out the main agreements your family has about technology use. Here is a site with a sample contract: https://www.screenagersmovie.com/tessa-contract-page
A key question for parents as they develop guidelines is: How do you want to role model technology use? Meaning, how do you want your children to see you using your phone, etc.? Many guidelines you set for your kids won’t work well, and you’ll get a lot of push back from your kids, if you are not willing to follow the guidelines yourself. For example, if you decide there is no phone use during family dinner time … that goes for you too! Consistency in the rules makes them easier to follow and enforce.
With all this in mind, here are some questions to consider for your guidelines, rules or contract:
How many hours a day/a week can technology be used?
Are there certain days of the week when technology is not allowed (e.g., a Saturday or Sunday that is technology free)?
Are there times of day when technology is not allowed (e.g., no mobile devices at dinner time, all phone use stops at 9pm).
Are there places where technology is not allowed (e.g., no phone use in the car, no mobile devices or computers in the dining room).
Do you want your children to keep their door open while doing homework in their room, so you can check they are not on their phone too often?
What happens if your child loses or damages a device?
What are the consequences for not following the rules?
5) TALK TO YOUR CHILD:
Have a constructive conversation with your child about technology use and whether they can use the technology they’ve been asking for.
Whether you’ve decided yes or no to your child’s request, it’s important to have a conversation with your child about your decision and any guidelines you want to put into place. A constructive conversation is one where you both listen to each other and discuss the issues at hand.
I help my clients feel calm and confident going into these meeting by helping them prepare how they want to come across, what they want to say, and how they want to respond to questions and push back from their children.
There are five main topics in this conversation.
Share your answer to your child’s question about whether they can use the technology.
Explain why you decided what you did – Children respect that you have a reason, and that you’ve researched and given the matter thought. No one likes to feel that a decision is arbitrary, especially if the answer is no.
Discuss the guidelines and/or contract for technology use, if your answer to your child is yes or you’ve decided to implement guidelines.
Answer your child’s questions and objections.
End the meeting
6) GET ADDITIONAL SUPPORT:
If you have read through this article, thought through the different components and still feel torn, unsure or conflicted about what to do, this is quite common, and you may want additional support.
Maybe it’s still hard to figure out what the right decision is for you, your child and your family.
Maybe you’re feeling worn down and like you’re going to give in, but a small, strong part of you says “don’t give in” and you don’t know what to do.
Maybe it feels uncomfortable to come up with rules and enforce them.
Maybe it feels uncomfortable to say no to your child and you worry what will happen afterwards to your relationship.
Maybe you’re not sure how to have a constructive conversation with your child about your decision.
Learn how to feel clear and confident in your decisions about technology use and how to successfully discuss it with your child. Click here. It’s free.