How to Get Your Kids to Apologize to Each Other
Every year before Yom Kippur (Day of Atonement), Jews are encouraged to ask for forgiveness for the sins they have committed against other people. And every year, before the holiday, I ask forgiveness of my husband and children for the times I hurt them, and yelled and was impatient, when they needed me to be more calm, understanding and supportive. I always add that I love them so much and never intend to hurt them. And then I say that I hope they will forgive me.
This year, for the first time, I said this to my teenager and pre-teen when we were all together. They both smiled and said they forgave me, and my younger one gave me a hug. They both asked for my forgiveness too for times they had not been the “best daughters.” And then, my teenager turned to her sister and said she was sorry for all the times she had been impatient or mean, and asked for forgiveness. And my younger daughter did the same. Proud mom moment!!! (Note to myself: Do this together with them again next year!)
Although, I didn’t expect this outcome, I realized it was based on several key components.
1) Modeling - if you want your child to behave a certain way, it’s important that they see you do it and that you show them how.
2) Consistency - I’ve been apologizing and asking for forgiveness for many years now. My kids have had this positive experience with me many times.
3) Natural and safe environment - There was a natural opportunity for my children to apologize to each other. It wasn’t being asked of them, but it felt safe to do so. And the fact that it was a positive experience for them both makes it more likely they will do it again.
4) It came from the heart - Except when kids are very young and we’re trying to teach manners and responsibility, apologies don’t work when they are forced. When people don’t want to apologize, they say the words, but they don’t feel the feelings behind them. And the receiver of the apology picks up on this insincerity. I’m sure you’ve been in one or both of these situations in your life. Forced apologies lead to bad feelings for all involved. Apologies only have integrity and meaning when you offer them sincerely.
I read some thoughtful passages in the prayer book this year that made me think about parenting in general. “Help us to feel fully human … Even as we accept our failings, we can get better.”
Each of us is fully human. None of us is perfect. None of us ever will be. And that’s okay.
It’s normal to wish we were better at parenting. It’s normal to wonder if we’re the only one struggling (No, you’re not!). It’s normal to get frustrated with or down on ourselves for not getting it “right” or getting stuck in patterns we’re not sure how to get out of. It’s normal to worry about our kids and if we’re doing our best to raise them to be kind, confident, and resilient. There is no such thing as a perfect parent. Our worry and frustration simply mean we want to do better than we are right now.
Wanting to do better is the beginning of change. We’re all a work in progress. It’s a gift to give ourselves permission to make mistakes, take responsibility for them, and strive to improve. Improvement is likely to come in small steps. Sometimes we have to practice several times before we get better.
One of the gifts of parenthood is that you have many second chances! If you didn’t react the way you meant to the first time, you can talk to your child later and try again. Children appreciate our understanding and compassion, even if it comes a little late. In taking a second try, you’re also modeling for your children that they can do the same in their relationships.
As you think about your parenting
1) What do you want to forgive yourself for as a parent?
2) What do you want to ask forgiveness for from your partner and children?
3) What is the most important thing you want to learn about or improve as a parent in the coming year?
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