4 Tips to Get Kids to Respond to Your Requests
As parents, we’ve all been there – asking our children to complete a task, only to be met with silence or a delayed response. This experience can evoke intense emotions. Here are some of the most common my clients tell me about:
Frustration and Impatience: It’s natural to feel frustration when children don’t respond. It can feel like they are ignoring our efforts and disregarding the importance of what we’re saying. Our frustration often builds up, leading to impatience. As tasks remain undone or questions unanswered, the flow of an already hectic day can get disrupted and cause us stress.
Disappointment and Hurt: There's also a natural sense of disappointment when our children don't meet our expectations. It can leave us questioning our parenting methods. You might wonder if your child respects you, values your requests, or is simply not listening.
Self-Doubt and Helplessness: Repeated non-responses can lead us to question our own abilities. Are we communicating clearly? Are our expectations too high? This self-doubt can create a sense of helplessness, leaving us unsure about how to bridge the communication gap with our children.
Which emotions resonate with you the most?
So, why do our kids sometimes seem like they're ignoring us?
Understanding the reasons behind their delayed responses can help us tackle these challenges more effectively. Here are some common scenarios:
Engrossed in Activities: Just like we prioritize our tasks, children prioritize their activities. When we make a request, they might already be deeply engaged in play, a video game, or another activity, making it hard for them to switch gears immediately.
This is, by far, the most common scenario I hear. To make this even more understandable, imagine yourself engrossed in an activity that is important to you. If someone asked you to stop right then and do what they wanted, would you automatically fulfill their request?
Probably not, most parents tell me. It can be helpful to remember that even adults don’t always respond right away when they’re already busy.
Emotional State: Sometimes, our kids don’t have the emotional capacity to fulfill our request. I had one client who asked her kindergartner to put away his laundry as soon as he came home from school. “It’s too much, Mom!” he cried. It was his way of communicating that he was tired after a long school day, and couldn’t complete the task right then.
Lack of Understanding: Children may struggle to grasp what's being asked of them, especially if our instructions are too fast or complex for their comprehension.
Lack of Motivation: If the task is not inherently interesting or rewarding to your child, they may procrastinate or avoid doing it.
Routine and Consistency: If there is a lack of routine or consistency about whether they have to complete the task, children may not see the urgency or importance of responding right away.
How can we encourage our kids to listen and act?
Here are 4 tips:
1) Get Your Child’s Attention
Before making a request, ensure you have your child's full attention.
This might involve making sure you’re in the same room, getting down at eye level if they’re young, and making sure you are looking at each other.
2) Acknowledge Your Child’s Feelings or Activity
This step helps your child feel understood and connected to you, which can lead them to become more receptive to your requests.
Examples:
If your child is engrossed in an activity, try acknowledging that they’re busy, complimenting what they’re doing, or asking them about it before you make your request.
If you know the task is one your child is not motivated to do, you can say that you know this is not their favorite task, but you really need their help.
3) Allow Time For Your Child To Complete The Task
Most people need some time to finish what they are doing before they take on a requested task.
When you ask for help, consider how much lead time your child needs and how much time you want to give them to complete the task.
For example:
> If your child needs transition time or does better with advance notice, consider how far in advance to make your request, and let your child know when they’ll need to complete the task.
In ten minutes OR At 6pm, I need your help taking out the trash.
> In the scenario above of the mom who asked her kindergartner to put away his laundry after school, she adjusted, and asked him to make sure his clothes were put away before dinner.
4) Establish Routines
When chores are embedded into daily or weekly routines, children know what to expect and when to expect it. This predictability reduces anxiety and resistance, as they understand that chores are a regular part of their responsibilities. Having routines can also relieve you of having to remind your child what to do.
Here’s how one of my clients, “Marietta,” used the first three tips to get her daughter to help around the house.
Whenever Marietta asked her twelve-year-old daughter for help, her daughter was on her phone and didn’t respond. Marietta felt ignored, disrespected, hurt and angry.
Here’s what she did differently.
She went to her daughter’s room, calmly sat down, and got her daughter’s attention.
Marietta said, “I know you’re busy with your game right now. In 15 minutes, I need your help getting some supplies out of my car. It will take about 10 minutes. As soon as you’re done, you can go back to your game. Can you come downstairs in 15 minutes?”
Marietta’s daughter responded, “Okay.” And then she came down and helped her mom.
Marietta was thrilled, thanked her daughter, and continued finding success with this approach.
Here’s to fostering more cooperation and responsibility in your children, and creating a more harmonious dynamic in your entire family.
Take the Next Step
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1) Calm Communication Strategies - Click HERE for my free guide, “Cool-Headed Parenting - 4 Tips To Avoid Yelling.”
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