4 Ways To Help Your Kids Feel Good About Themselves
When I work with parents to create a great relationship with their kids, one of the topics we discuss is how to help your child feel that you understand them.
Why is this so important?
I'm reminded of the lyrics from a song by the Animals:
"I'm just a soul whose intentions are good .... please don't let me be misunderstood."
It's a fundamental human need to feel seen, loved and understood for who we truly are.
Feeling understood:
builds your child's self esteem.
helps your child understand and accept him/her self better (especially in the tween and teen years when kids go through so many changes and think deeply about their identify).
makes you a comfortable and safe person for your child to talk to, because they feel you really get and accept them.
Sometimes, it's hard to fully understand our kids because their personalities are different from ours, or they act and talk in ways we never did, or never would have done, as kids. We can also worry that our children possess certain traits that will make their lives more difficult, especially as they grow.
Please know it's totally normal for these thoughts to cross your mind. Many parents feel this way. Even though our kids come from us or we brought them into our families, they have their own personalities, strengths and weaknesses, just as you may be different in some ways from your parents.
Here are four tips to help your kids feel deeply understood and good about themselves.
1) See your child as they are, rather than from the lens of your own personality or desires.
Here are some examples of my clients who initially saw their child through their own lens:
An outgoing father who pushed his shy son to invite the whole class to his birthday party, and play with groups of kids the son didn't know.
This father had his son's best interests at heart. He wanted him to have many friends and get the same joy he did from being around a lot of people. The father also feared his son would miss out on important social experiences and connections both now and when he was grown.
The son was very uncomfortable doing what his father asked. The son started feeling bad about himself, angry at his dad, and then refused to do what his father asked in other areas. Tension grew between the two of them and their relationship was marked by frequent arguments.
A loving, devoted mom felt needed and involved when she helped her elementary school aged son. Helping and doing things for him brought her a lot of joy. Her son was very independent and wanted to do things for himself. He wanted to make his own choices and resisted his mom's attempts to help. As a result, the mom started feeling rejected and hurt, and worried whether she was losing her relationship with her son.
Through our work together, these parents learned to ask themselves:
How can I see this situation from my child's perspective?
What does my child need right now?
They were able to refocus so they saw their child as he was, not who they wanted or hoped he would be.
2) Hold open the possibility that what you see as a weakness or negative trait in your child might be a strength in some way, and not necessarily a cause for worry.
The outgoing father learned from our work together that his shy child was an excellent listener who was well liked by other kids, and that his fears about his son not having any friends were unfounded.
This father also learned that people can have a happy life with a small, tight circle of friends, rather than a larger one.
The devoted, involved mother who loved to help, learned to value and respect her son's independence and find other ways to connect with him in order to have a close relationship.
3) We can understand and accept our children as they are and still help them learn and grow.
One of my daughters is both strong-willed and direct when she speaks. When she was in preschool, she would say, "Mommy, you can go now," while I was spending time talking to her at bedtime after reading stories and singing songs.
Without my training and knowledge, I might have decided she was being rude, and felt angry or hurt. But, I understand different personality types and knew she was simply letting me know she was ready to go to sleep. She just didn't know a more tactful way to say it.
I was concerned other people would misunderstand her intentions or take offense at her wording when she got older. So, I helped her learn how to phrase things differently in a way that kept her feeling good about herself.
She knew and felt that I understood and accepted who she was, at the same time I was helping her learn and grow. All of these elements were necessary for her to accept my suggestions, practice saying things differently, and feel good about the changes she made.
4) Tell your kids about qualities you appreciate or admire in them
This could sound like:
You had a lot of homework. You worked really hard and didn’t quit until you got it done. Way to go!
You ask really good questions. I love how curious you are!
You were really kind when you invited the new girl to join you and your friends. I'm sure that made her feel really good.
Here's an exercise to get you started with this:
a) Which qualities do you most enjoy and appreciate about your child's personality?
b) If your child were standing in front of you right now and you were going to tell them about one of these qualities, what would you say?
c) If this feels comfortable for you, when would you like to share this compliment with your child?
(Pro-Tip: My clients find it most natural to work the compliment into a conversation or interaction you're already having with your child.)
It always feels good to get a sincere compliment about our good qualities, especially from a parent whose opinion matters so much to us.
When you give this kind of compliment, you're making an investment in your relationship with your child.
These types of compliments can also be a helpful place to start when you have a child who's withdrawing and not talking to you much. It's one of many ways to begin to open up your lines of communication.
Even if you don't get a big response from your kids, keep going. If you phrase this compliment well and say it sincerely, secretly your kids will love it!
And if you grew up not feeling well understood by at least one parent, showing your kids you understand them is also a way to break your family pattern.
No matter what your family background, by actively helping your kids feel understood, you'll be helping your kids feel good about themselves, and giving them one of the most important things they need to thrive.
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