Should you let your kids fail?
"You can't protect them from failure."
"Let your kids fail and then they'll learn."
"Struggle is good for development."
Several parents recently mentioned these common adages as they shared their struggles with their kids, and asked if I agreed.
While there's truth in the value of learning through experience, it's essential to explore the nuances of this advice.
Let's delve into this issue and understand why the right balance is crucial.
1. It Depends On The Situation
Parenting is not a one-size-fits-all journey. Each child is unique, and their responses to difficulties vary. Instead of a blanket approach to letting kids navigate struggles, consider the nature of the challenge and your child's individual needs and abilities. When a struggle is more than our child can handle, the experience of failure can be detrimental to our child's confidence.
Consider a child with ADHD who is having trouble turning in their assignments on time. If we're not aware that this is the cause of our child's struggles, or we don't yet understand how ADHD affects executive functioning skills, then we might expect our child to be able to just do their assignments, or to learn by getting zeros when they don't turn in their work.
The problem is that this learning is unlikely to happen on its own, because our child doesn't yet have the skills or resources to solve this problem. And each failure can erode a child's self esteem when they start thinking they are "stupid" or there is something wrong with them because they can't accomplish the task.
This challenge is simply too big for a child to figure out on their own.
2. Struggle Is Good, But It Needs Support
The belief that struggle is inherently good for development requires a closer examination. It's not the struggle itself that fosters growth, but rather the ability to work through it with support.
Imagine the child with ADHD in the example above or any child facing a difficult math problem.
Without guidance and assistance, the struggle may lead to frustration and a sense of failure.
When additional support is lacking, I also worry that parent and child can get stuck in escalating frustration and despair at the situation and with each other, as the parent keeps expecting the child to stop struggling, and the child can't, because they don't know how.
However, if parents, teachers or other professionals provide support, the child with ADHD can learn how their brain works and as well as new, personalized strategies for submitting their work on time.
With the right support, the child with the challenging math problem can review the steps for solving the problem and finding the correct solution, and better understand where and why they got stuck.
In each of these cases, the experience of receiving help to overcome the struggle becomes a valuable lesson in problem-solving and perseverance.
3. Build Resilience Through Joint Problem Solving
When parents say they want their kids to learn from struggling, they often tell me they believe this is the best way for their kids to learn resilience.
But, as noted above, allowing kids to struggle without a safety net can be counterproductive. It's not about shielding them from every challenge but about offering a helping hand when needed.
Resilience is cultivated when children face difficulties, knowing they have the support and resources to overcome them. This approach empowers them to tackle future challenges with confidence.
If the struggle is not too big for a child to handle, joint problem solving discussions with you at a calm time, can often help kids find answers to what they can do to address challenges like: having a shot at the lead in the school play next time or a spot on the sports team, or how to get better at writing essays or adjust to harder classes in middle school, high school or college.
👉🏽 You can start by empathizing with the disappointment, anger, sadness, frustration, overwhelm, etc. that your child is feeling. Empathy is calming, because it allows your child to feel heard and supported by you in their difficult moments.
👉🏽 You can also share a failure you've had, especially if it's similar to your child's or happened to you around your child's age. Sharing your personal experiences can bring you closer and help your child feel that they are not the only one with their challenge.
👉🏽 Then you can brainstorm together about what your child can learn from this experience and what they can do better next time.
Through this process you are helping your child accept the situation and themselves, building their frustration tolerance, and empowering them to move forward.
You'll also be expressing your belief that your child can get through this tough time.
Imagine how that will touch your child's heart!
As parents, I believe our role is not to shield our children from every stumbling block, but to guide them through the journey, fostering a sense of confidence and the resilience needed to navigate life's inevitable challenges.
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