How To Overcome The 3 Main Reasons Kids Don't Open Up To Us
We’ve probably all asked our kids a question like "What happened at school today?"
and received a grunt or that dreaded answer, “Nothing!”
In one study of 2000 parents of school aged children:
> 70% of parents said they “struggle to communicate meaningfully,” with their kids.
> 40% said a run of the mill conversation with their child usually doesn’t exceed 10 minutes.
> 82% feel like their kid avoids talking to them if they don’t have to.
> 78% feel as if this results in them “being shut out of their child’s life.
I share these statistics, because I want you to know that if you're feeling this way, you are 100% not alone! Please don’t blame yourself in any way.
My two kids are now 19 and 15. It's particularly gratifying that both of them talk to me about their lives. My oldest is now in her first year in college, and I don't take for granted that she wants to keep in touch, share her successes, and ask for advice when she needs it.
However, my youngest didn’t always want to share her thoughts and feelings with me. I had to try several different approaches to help her to open up. I was able to make breakthroughs with her because of my almost twenty years of work experience as a counselor, leadership trainer, and coach.
As a result of my experiences as a parent and as a parent coach, I've found there are three main reasons that our kids don't open up to us.
Understanding what these are and thinking about which apply to your child, can then help you figure out what you can do differently to become the parent your child wants to open up to.
1. Your child is tired, overwhelmed or can't remember
Timing is everything.
At the end of a long school day, when they're playing a game, when they're busy, or they are thinking about something else, your child just may not be ready to or able to talk.
Can you think of a time when someone wanted to talk to you, but you just weren't up for it emotionally?
Maybe you were tired, distracted or overwhelmed. If this has ever happened to you, or you can imagine this scenario, it can help create some empathy for how your child may be feeling.
The solution?
Don't take it personally.
Instead, experiment to find another time when your child will feel comfortable talking.
Here are some examples that have worked for other parents:
When your child has finished their after school snack.
In the car on the way to or from an activity, or on an errand you're running together.
At the dinner table where everyone shares a little about their day.
Before bed when your child is more open and relaxed.
You can also try asking more specific questions to make it easier for your kids to give you more interesting information. Some examples:
What was the best part of school today?
What was the hardest part?
Did anyone say anything funny or did anything funny happen today?
What did you play during recess?
What did you learn about in (fill in the blank) class?
How did you like the science experiment your teacher showed you?
How are your friends doing? Or ask about a specific friend they really like.
2. Your child is feeling private, uncertain, or not ready to talk yet. They don't want to burden you.
There can be a lot going inside our child's head that we can't see.
Maybe, they are more private by nature and are slow to open up.
Maybe, they are at that pre-teen or teenage stage where they think it's easier to talk to their friends than their parents.
Maybe they're uncertain about how they feel and don't know how to articulate it, so they are keeping their feelings to themselves.
Maybe they're not ready to talk yet. This is a little different than needing a different time of day to feel more comfortable opening up, as was discussed above. Instead, your child may be trying to figure out their feelings or a solution on their own. They plan to talk to you about it if they get stuck and need advice, or when they're feeling more certain. They're just not ready yet.
Maybe they are feeling stressed or insecure. Maybe they have high expectations for themselves or a tendency toward perfectionism, and they're worried about sounding silly if they tell you their problem. Or they might be embarrassed about a failing grade or a mistake they made.
Maybe they don't want to burden you with their problems because they know you're already under a lot of pressure. If they know, for example, that you're sick, helping your ill parent, stressed at work, or unemployed, they may be worried about adding to your challenges.
The solution here is several fold.
Don't take any of this personally. Your child's choice not to talk isn't meant to hurt you or shut you out. This is simply about your child's unique temperament, perspective, and level of independence.
Again, put yourself in your child's shoes with empathy. Think about whether you ever felt any of these ways as a child or at another time in your life.
Acknowledge your child's feelings and let them know you're always there when they're ready to talk. Use your own words, but this could sound like:
"I get the feeling you're thinking a lot about xyz and trying to work it out. I want to give you the space you need. I also want you to know I'm always here and I'm ready to listen whenever you want to talk."
"I get the feeling you're thinking a lot about xyz. I wonder if it feels hard to talk about it."
Then leave silence for your child to respond. Sometimes, that is enough to help them feel comfortable opening up to you. Other times, they might say yes and nothing more. In that case, you can let them know you understand and you're always there whenever they want to talk.
3. Your child is worried about how you'll react.
In this scenario, our kids are worried about getting a negative reaction from us.
In the list I share below are common communication mistakes we all make. I've made them myself at times, and I know we make these mistakes because we're only human. As in all my work with parents, this article is a guilt-free, shame-free and blame-free zone!
This list is for your awareness and education only. If you see yourself in any of these examples, that just means you can see a pattern in your relationship with your child that you have the power to change, if you so choose.
Here are some common ways our kids are worried we might respond if they share their feelings with us. To tap into your empathy, you might also think about whether you worried about any of these same issues with your parents.
Won't listen or we'll be distracted by our phone
Interrupt if we feel they are taking too long or we have questions, when they just want to get it all out
Keep asking for more information than they want to share or think is relevant
Get upset with them or overreact about the situation (Oh no, you failed a test! Now you won't get into the college you really want!)
Criticize, judge or punish them (You failed your test? You got into a fight in school? I'm taking away your iPad/phone! You're grounded! - all before you hear how upset they are or any mitigating circumstances)
Offer advice to solve the problem when they just want to vent or be heard
The best place to start here is with some helpful validation and listening skills.
You can start by sincerely thanking your child for telling you about their situation.
Assuming it wasn't easy for your child to bring up this situation, thanking them can create a more comfortable space for them to continue to talk. Parents tell me that saying this also helps them feel more calm and connected to their child.
Give your child your full attention.
Put down your phone. Turn away from your computer. Look your child in the eye. Soften your gaze. Let your child feel you are focused on them.
If they want to talk to you when you can't give them your full attention, you can try this:
> Let them know it's important to you to hear what they have to say.
> Explain you can't listen right then, because you're in the middle of x.
> Then tell them when you can talk to them (after dinner, in 30 minutes, etc.).
I've done this with my kids and they can always wait until that better time, because they know I'll follow through.
Validate their feelings
Tell them their feelings make perfect sense. Let them know you understand how hard it is to be in this tough situation, or to feel unsure what to do, or to feel hurt that their friend hurt their feelings, etc.
Ask what kind of help they want from you
In order to avoid offering advice when kids don't want it, ask them how they want you to help.
Do they want you to just listen or do they want some advice or help thinking through some solutions.
This little bit of clarity can make these conversation so much easier for both of you. And you'll be providing exactly the support your child wants, which will make it even easier for them to open up to you again in the future.
So often it feels hard to create the connection and openness with our kids that we really want. Deep down our kids really want this closeness too.
It can take time and practice, but it is completely within our control to experiment with these different approaches to help our kids feel that it is easy to talk to us, and that doing so will leave them feeling better afterwards because you helped them to feel seen, heard, understood and loved.
Wishing you even more closeness, love and joy in your family.
Take the Next Step
Parenting is a journey filled with challenges and triumphs, and you don’t have to navigate it alone. Every parent deserves guidance tailored to their unique needs. Here are some ways I can support your journey:
1) To go deeper into this topic and receive even more tips for building a closer relationship with your kids, sign up for my class - 8 Ways To Help Kids and Preteens To Open Up. Click for the class HERE.
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