Is disciplining your kids working out the way you want?
Disciplining our kids often comes with a lot of drama.
We yell.
They yell back at us or they cry.
We all feel bad about ourselves and each other.
Maybe our child finally does what we asked them to.
But will they do it consistently in the future?
Not always.
There’s a way to discipline your child that maintains and even strengthens your connection at the same time that you make clear the behavior you expect from now on.
One of the first steps?
Accepting your child’s feelings.
What does accepting feelings mean?
Accepting feelings means that you acknowledge all your child’s feelings as being normal and valid, whether they are angry, sad, frustrated or happy.
When your children feel that from you, they learn that there is no feeling that is wrong or bad. And then children can believe that they are okay exactly as they are.
Accepting feelings doesn’t mean you have to agree with the feelings your child is having. You might not have the same feelings in the same situation. You might even think your kids are being over dramatic.
But, what your children will feel from you is that you totally accept them and see them for who they are.
How does it help to accept your child’s feelings when you discipline?
Although there are many causes for our children’s misbehavior, a large percentage comes from not knowing how to regulate and effectively express their strong emotions, especially when they’re young.
Difficulty with regulating and effectively expressing emotion can cause our kids to act out, talk back, yell, hit and cry. In these moments, the part of our child's brain responsible for processing emotions, like anger, frustration and fear, is in charge. High levels of emotion often hijack rational thought.
In order to really hear what we have to say and learn to do better, our children need to be calm. Calmness allows the logical, thinking part of our child’s brain to engage with and process what we are saying.
Accepting feelings is the fastest way to help your child calm down.
When your child hears that you see, hear, understand and love them, they can relax. And as you accept your child’s feelings, you’ll be simultaneously reinforcing your loving connection with your child.
How do we use accepting feelings to calm our child when we discipline them?
Here are some first steps you can take.
1) Make sure you are calm when you speak to your child.
Otherwise, you child will take their cues from you and won’t calm down.
2) Think about how your child is feeling in this situation.
Are they angry, frustrated, tired, hungry, disappointed, sad, etc.?
3) Express that feeling in a sentence to your child to let them know you understand and accept how they’re feeling.
Examples:
= > You’ve told your child their time with friends is over, but your child argues or ignores your request because they want to play longer:
You can say: You’re having a great time with your friend! I know you’d really like to play longer. It’s time to go now. We’ll find another time to play again very soon.
= > Your young child is angry and taking out their frustration by hitting and throwing things:
You can say: I see you’re really angry! That’s okay. Show me how angry you are on this pillow.
= > You need your child’s help with a household chore, but they are on their phone, and they argue with you about needing more time to play their game.
You can say: I know you’re really involved in your game. In five minutes I need your help with (X). As soon as you’re done, you can go right back to your game.
In each of these examples, you’re accepting your child’s feelings first. When your child hears you empathize with and accept them, they will feel better about themselves and you.
There won’t be as much for them to argue with you about, because you’re telling them you understand their feelings and their situation.
They will feel understood and that you are being fair.
This is what maintains and strengthens your relationship with your child when you discipline.
There is obviously much more to the discipline process than these first steps.
Learn more in my FREE video,"How To Discipline With Love and Get Results.”
You’ll get tools to discipline your kids so they actually learn to behave better, and maintain your relationship with your kids at the same time.
Get the free class and learn more HERE!
You’ll walk away with confidence and tools to get your kids to behave and feel like the parent you want to be.