What Really Works to Help Your Child Calm Down (Without Yelling or Power Struggles)
I heard my three-year-old daughter sobbing, so I hurried into her room.
Between heaving cries, she told me one of her toys was missing and another was broken.
She was struggling to catch her breath. I could see how overwhelmed she was.
My first instinct?
“Calm down, it’s okay—we’ll figure this out.”
It’s such a natural thing to say in moments like this.
Sometimes we say it with compassion, because we’re worried about our child.
Other times, it’s embarrassment, like when they’re having a meltdown in the middle of the store after we say no to another toy.
It might be frustration when we’re already late and their tantrum is slowing us down.
Or even anger when the yelling and eye rolls feel like too much.
Whatever the reason, one thing is usually true: we just want the behavior to stop.
But if your experience is anything like mine, you’ve probably noticed—telling a child to “calm down” rarely brings calm.
What’s Really Going On in Their Brain?
When we’re overwhelmed—whether we’re three or thirty—our brain enters a state of imbalance.
The part responsible for logic and reasoning, the prefrontal cortex, essentially goes offline.
Meanwhile, the amygdala (which handles emotions like fear, stress, and anger) takes over. It sends signals to release stress hormones like cortisol throughout the body.
That’s why kids, and adults too, might cry, yell, freeze, or completely shut down when emotions run high.
In these moments, children aren’t being difficult on purpose. Their nervous system is in stress mode. They’re system is flooded. They’re doing the best they can.
As kids grow, their ability to manage emotions improves, but it doesn’t happen overnight. In fact, the part of the brain that helps with self-regulation isn’t fully developed until our mid-twenties.
That’s why your child’s ability to calm down in the heat of the moment depends so much on how often they’ve had the chance to borrow your calm.
They don’t settle down because we tell them to.
They settle because we show them how.
Borrowing Calm: What That Looks Like
Through your steady voice…
Through your deep breaths…
Through your ability to stay grounded when their emotions feel big and messy…
…you show your child they’re safe. You help their nervous system feel secure. And little by little, you teach them how to return to calm on their own.
Instead of focusing on stopping the meltdown, we can focus on creating the conditions where our child feels safe enough to regulate—with our support.
In my work with families, I see this again and again:
The more upset a child is (and the harder that is for us as parents), the more they need our help to soothe their overwhelmed system.
Real-Life Examples of Borrowed Calm
A Young Child: The Toy Meltdown
That day with my daughter became a turning point in my parenting.
After my “calm down” didn’t work, I gently asked if she could try deep breaths or one of the calming exercises she’d learned in school.
“No,” she sobbed, “I don’t think I can ever stop crying!”
My anxiety spiked for a moment, but I took a breath.
Then I said, softly: “It’s really upsetting when two of your toys have problems. One is missing, and one is broken. This feels really serious.”
Something shifted. She looked at me, and the crying stopped.
What calmed her wasn’t a strategy or a fix. It was the moment she felt seen. Understood. Validated.
Once again, I was reminded: when we reflect a child’s emotions back to them with care, it creates the safety they need to begin settling down.
An Older Child: The Homework Battle
Nine-year-old “Michael” had after-school meltdowns about homework almost every day. His mom, “Rosa,” tried to motivate him: “Just get it done, and then you can play!”
But Michael would push back, resist, or shut down completely.
When we started working together, I helped Rosa see that Michael’s brain was still recovering from the stresses of the school day. His nervous system needed time to come down from that state before he could focus.
So instead of pushing, Rosa started sitting next to him quietly. She offered a snack, shared a moment of connection, and let him relax before bringing up homework.
Within a few weeks, the resistance eased. Homework didn’t become fun, but it stopped being a battle.
Because Rosa was meeting his need for regulation first.
A Teen: The Explosive Argument
Fifteen-year-old “Destiny” had a fiery temper. Arguments at home escalated quickly. She’d yell, slam doors, say things she didn’t mean.
Her dad, “David,” often found himself yelling back, trying to gain control.
But when I helped David shift his focus to his regulation, everything changed.
The next time Destiny exploded, he took a slow breath and said, “I can see you’re really upset. I want to talk when we’re both calm.”
Then he stepped back, not as a punishment, but as a signal: You’re safe. I won’t add fuel to the fire.
Over time, Destiny started doing the same, taking space, then returning to talk when she was calmer. Because her dad had modeled how.
Becoming the Calm Your Child Needs
Emotional regulation is a learned skill. And our kids learn it from us.
The more grounded you are, the safer your child feels. And the more likely they are to build the internal tools they need to manage their big feelings.
That doesn’t mean you have to get it right every time. No one does.
If you sometimes struggle to stay calm when your child is melting down you are not alone. Every parent I work with has been there. Learning how to stay steady in hard moments takes time and support.
That’s why I’m offering free, private 25-minute consultations (if you sign up by May 15) to give you a safe space to talk through what’s been hard and get one personalized next step to help you move forward.
There’s no pressure. No sales pitch. Just a kind, thoughtful conversation focused on your real-life challenges and a small shift that make a big difference.
If your heart feels ready for a bit more ease, you can schedule your free call HERE.
Other Next Steps You Can Take
Parenting is a journey filled with challenges and triumphs, and you don’t have to navigate it alone. Every parent deserves guidance tailored to their unique needs. Here are some ways I can support your journey:
1) Get free parenting tips - Click HERE for valuable advice tailored to real-life parenting challenges.
2) Explore parenting classes - Click HERE to discover classes designed to empower and inspire you.
3) Schedule a free, confidential consultation - Click HERE to connect for a one-on-one conversation about your family.
I believe every family deserves guidance that honors your individual needs, and I’m passionate about helping parents find practical, meaningful solutions that help their family thrive. Let’s work together to create positive and lasting changes for your family.