How To Talk To Your Children About War
As they hear and see things about the war in Ukraine, our children may feel curious, uncertain, anxious or fearful.
We sometimes avoid discussing certain topics with children, thinking we are protecting them from scary information or difficult feelings.
If our children have already been exposed to this information, however, our silence may allow their fear to grow.
Talking with our kids about difficult topics strengthens our relationship with them, helps them feel safe, and equips them with resources to handle future situations.
Here are 5 tips for talking to your children about war and other difficult topics.
1) Take care of yourself first
Before talking with your children about war or any challenging topic, you’ll want to make sure you are calm and prepared.
If you are feeling overwhelmed or worried, these activities can help you feel more centered:
Accept all your feelings – they are natural and normal
Get enough sleep
Eat well
Take a break from the news if you need to
Do something that makes you feel relaxed or happy
To get prepared for your conversation with your child:
Think about what information and message you want to share with them.
Think about what questions they might have and how you will answer them.
Some questions I’ve been asked or heard about are:
What is war?
What will get the war to end?
Will there be a draft?
Are nuclear weapons going to be fired?
2) Ask what your children already know
If you want to broach the topic with your kids, asking what they have heard and what they know is a helpful way to begin.
Once you understand where they're staring from, you'll know what additional information to share.
Also, if your child has misinformation or information you haven’t heard, you can
ask where they got that information
share the correct information
check the information using a credible source
It’s okay if you don’t have all the answers. Your child will appreciate learning from and with you.
Using an open, light tone creates a comfortable environment for the conversation.
If you have younger children who don’t seem affected by world events, there is no need to ask them about it.
3) Validate your child's feelings
If your child brings up their feelings about the war or you ask them how they’re feeling, here are a few tips:
Instead of dismissing their concerns: “There’s nothing to worry about.”
Or offering general reassurance: “Everything is okay.”
Try validating their feelings: “It is scary. It’s okay to feel scared and to talk to me about it. I’m always here for you.”
When children experience their feelings being validated and accepted, they feel greater relief and safety. They will also feel closer to you.
You can also reassure your kids that country leaders all over the world are working hard to resolve this situation.
Thoughts about war and an escalation of the conflict can affect some kids more than others. Watch your child for signs of increasing anxiety and get them professional help if needed.
4) Answer your child's questions
Make time to listen to what your child is asking and let them feel they have your full attention.
Tailor your answers and how much detail you provide to the age, maturity and sensitivity of your child.
Short, clear, basic information is most helpful for kids preschool to age 8.
Slightly more detail and sharing your beliefs about the conflict are helpful for kids ages 8 to 10.
More detailed information and discussion are helpful for kids in middle and high school. Asking what they think about different aspects of the situation is another good way to extend the conversation. If your child has a different perspective than you, an open conversation sharing your different ideas can be enlightening.
Although you may want to be fully honest, consider whether sharing all your feelings and concerns about the war would cause more anxiety for your kids.
5) Offer your child a way to help
Your personal values or connection to the countries involved may move you to want to help. You can let your kids know this and involve them in that effort, if appropriate.
Some children may express their own desire to help – they may want to feel they are contributing to the solution.
Informing your child about the different ways other people are already helping offers suggestions about what your child might do. It also reassures them that there are many kind and generous people in the world.
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