5 Ways to Show Yourself More Self-Compassion As A Parent
If I could wave a magic wand to make parenting easier, I'd remove the weight of expectation and the pursuit of perfection.
This includes the pressure and influences we absorb from social media and societal norms, as well as our self-imposed stress to be the perfect parent.
It also includes the anxiety we feel as we strive to help our children grow up to be kind, caring independent, resilient, successful, and happy, ticking off every box on our list.
One of the places the weight of expectation and the pursuit of perfection show up most clearly is when our kids disobey, don't listen, talk back, or raise their voices at us.
In these moments, do you ever find yourself becoming frustrated or angry with your child?
And then silently blame yourself for not meeting the standards of a "good enough" parent?
Do you then find yourself being tough on your child and/or yourself in order to rectify the situation and restore order and calm?
It's a completely natural reaction to take these situations personally, because the messages we've absorbed have taught us that if our child misbehaves or doesn't measure up, then it's a direct reflection of our parenting, and it's our fault.
I can assure you that every one of my clients experiences these emotions at times, and I know that many other parents have had the same feelings, including me.
But, what if the belief that our child's behavior is a poor reflection on us wasn't true?
What if it wasn't true that we weren't measuring up as parents?
What if these moments aren't anybody's fault?
What if, instead, we knew that these are things that happen as children learn and grow, and we can learn some new ways to respond?
One of things I've learned about these challenging moments is that when we're blaming ourselves, we're often missing some self-compassion.
Dr. Kristen Neff, a leader in the field of self-compassion research, says this:
"I found in my research that the biggest reason people aren't more self-compassionate is that they are afraid they'll become self-indulgent. They believe self-criticism is what keeps them in line. Most people have gotten it wrong because our culture says that being hard on yourself is the way to be."
I love these two quotes that suggest a new way to think about yourself:
“You’ve been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.” - Louise L. Hay
“Talk to yourself as you would someone you love.” - Brene Brown
But how do we move from criticizing ourselves to talking to ourselves in a more loving way?
Here are 5 things you can try.
(some of these you can do in the moment and some work best outside of the moment):
1) Practice increasing your self-awareness and try to catch yourself when you're becoming self-critical.
One way to do this is to notice the body sensations you have in these difficult moments and the sentences that are running through your head. Body sensations might feel like your heart rate rising or a tightness in your throat. As you become more familiar with your body sensations and thoughts, you'll be more able to to notice them in the moment, and then choose a different response.
2) Write yourself a love letter.
Think about what you would say to a friend who was beating themselves up about the situation you're in. Then, write a loving letter to yourself saying those same things.
3) Shift your thoughts from the negative sentences in your head to a more positive framing of your situation.
Some examples are:
My child is not bad or giving me a hard time. They are having a hard time.
I am safe.
This moment is temporary and I will get through it.
I'm doing the best I can right now.
I am not the only one who feels this way. Many parents struggle with this.
I love my kids.
My kids know I love them.
Even though this is happening, I'm still a good parent.
I'm only human.
4) Help yourself feel physical warmth.
As mammals, we're wired to feel comforted by warmth. You could try drinking tea or coffee. Or wearing warm socks or wrapping yourself in a blanket.
5) Use a loving physical gesture.
Many of us also respond to soothing physical touch.
Some things you could try are:
Putting one or both hands on your heart.
Clasping your hands together.
Touching both cheeks with your hands.
Hugging your elbows or upper arms.
Which of these approaches resonates with you the most?
Do any of these suggestions spark another idea that you think would suit you better?
If you're interested in trying out any of these strategies, I suggest starting with just one approach at a time to gauge its effectiveness for you.
Whatever you choose, you'll be starting a shift away from self-criticism and toward greater self-compassion.
As we prioritize our own well-being, our perspective broadens, enabling us to better support and care for our children.
Let's celebrate each small step toward growth and self-compassion!
Take the Next Step
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