4 Parenting Phrases To Avoid

As parents and leaders in our home, our words matter.

They have the power to affect how our children learn and feel about themselves and us, particularly when it comes to discipline and praise.

For example, try recalling what your parents said when they disciplined and praised you when you were growing up.


What words did they actually use?

How did your parents' words affect how you felt about them?
(e.g., scared, angry, neutral, not understood)

How did you feel about yourself?
(e.g., ashamed, hopeless, stuck, believed you could do better)

If discipline and praise were lacking in your family growing up, what effect did that have on you as a child?

How does this lack of discipline or praise affect how you parent your kids now?

Researchers have found that when we're trying to correct our child's behavior or tell them something good about themselves, certain phrases are more effective in simultaneously teaching kids to do the right thing, raising their self esteem, and bringing you and your child closer.

Here are 4 well-intentioned phrases to avoid and the 4 alternatives that can bring you these better results.

𝟭. "Okay?"


Why to avoid this phrase:

"It's time to get dressed for school, okay?"

Almost every parent has added "okay?" on the end of our sentence when giving instructions. But, when we say this, we're not really asking, are we?!?

Sometimes, we're afraid our child won't do as we've asked, so we're trying to get their verbal agreement and cooperation. Sometimes, we worry that if we simply make the statement, we'll come across as too harsh or dictatorial.

The issue is that when kids hear, "okay?" they may think they have a choice when you're not really offering one. And if they're not prone to cooperation at that moment, you'll get a "No!"

And then you're caught in the conflict you were hoping to avoid.

Also, when you're not really offering a choice, "okay?" can come across as insincere, because your words and intentions don't match. When kids can pick up on that, they respect us a little less in those moments.



What to say instead:

Simply drop the "okay?" and if you need a substitute, try "please" or "thank you."

"Please get dressed for school now."

"Clean up your room, please."

"It's time to get off your phone, thank you."

All of these can be said in a pleasant, firm voice. It never hurts to be polite and it's good modeling for your child.

It's also a good approach to use when you're giving guidance to your child:

"We need to use our inside voices now, so please lower your voice."


And when your child does what you asked, a genuine, specific thank you is excellent praise that leads them to feel capable, appreciated, closer to you, and more likely to comply in the future.

"I really appreciate that you cleaned up your room. Thank you."

"Thank you for getting off your phone right away."


𝟮. "I'm proud of you."

Why to avoid this phrase:

When our child gets a good grade, scores a goal, or gets a role in the school play, of course we're proud of them!

The issue is that this phrase which talks about your feelings, unintentionally focuses more on you than your child. These words can also sound like an assessment of worthiness to sensitive children.

Repeated frequently over time, this phrase encourages kids to become dependent on external validation, rather than building their internal, self validation muscle - their sense of pride in themselves for an achievement or a job well done, regardless of whether anyone else notices or says anything.


What to say instead:

"You did it!"

"You must feel great!"

Both of these phrases focus on your child and their enthusiasm.


You can also offer specific praise that focuses on the effort that lead to your child's accomplishment:

"Wow! You practiced really hard and look what you were able to do!"

"You asked for help with that assignment, stuck with it, set a goal for yourself, and you achieved it!"


All of these phrases allow your child to be seen, heard, understood and loved by you, which is what our children crave more than anything.

All of these phrases encourage your child to look inward to see how capable they are.

When reinforced, this belief in yourself translates to great self confidence and resilience, as well as a closer relationship with parents who have demonstrated that they believe in you.


𝟯. "Use Your Words"


Why to avoid this phrase:

This popular, well-intentioned phrase is often used when children are hitting, crying, etc. and we want them to communicate and solve their problem differently.

The issue is that if the child knew how to communicate with words what they were feeling in that moment, they already would have.

Because they don't know how to communicate their feelings yet, hearing "use your words" is often more frustrating than helpful for kids. They don't know what they could have done instead, so they're stuck.


What to say instead:

When we get upset, the emotional part of our brain essentially hijacks the logical, problem solving part of our brain so that we don't have access to it.

Your child needs you to stand in for the logical part of their brain. And, in order to learn what to say and do differently, our kids need us to teach them in a more specific way.

So, give your child the specific words they need.

"You can say, please give me back the truck."

"You can say, I'm mad!"

"You can tell your sister, 'I'd like a turn.' "


By giving your child specific words to say, you're teaching them to use their words and what to do next time they are in a similar situation.

This way of speaking takes practice, but your consistent, calm coaching will help your child improve until they get it.

Additionally, you're teaching your child that all their feelings are normal and valid and that there are constructive ways to express them.

This is a great relief for kids. They don't enjoy feeling upset inside and not knowing what to do with their big feelings. They will also feel closer to you when they feel your acceptance and support.

Finally, when you teach your child how to express their emotions constructively, you are giving them a skill that is important now and in all your child's future relationships.



4) "How do you think it makes Mom/Dad feel when you (don't listen, misbehave, etc.)?"

Why to avoid this phrase:

This question is often used to encourage children to reflect on their behavior, the consequences of what they did, and how to do better in the future. These are all important.

The problem with this phrase is that it asks the child to focus on you and your feelings, rather than on your child's behavior, the actual consequences of their behavior (e.g., they broke the vase, they disrupted the class), and their ability to improve and make amends.

Over time, repeatedly asking children to focus on your feelings when they misbehave can cause them to believe they are responsible for your feelings and that they should put other's feelings before their own. They may also avoid telling you things, because they've learned you'll get upset.

Again, over time (not just with a few exposures), all of this can lead children to become co-dependent in their friendships and romantic relationships.

”How do you think it makes Mom/Dad feel?” is also sometimes used to indirectly convey our disapproval or disappointment about what our child did. To a child, this question can feel like a guessing game with only bad answers.

Children can feel our disapproval or disappointment whether we state it directly or not. This kind of question can cause children to feel shame when they have to tell you that they know you weren't happy with what they did.

Over time, repeated exposure to shame can lead to self doubt, low self-esteem, and a more distant relationship with a parent.


What to say instead:

Focus on the actual consequences of what your child did, and help them learn to improve and make amends.

For example, if your child broke a vase or disrupted class,

  • Explain you're not angry and calmly ask them to tell you how and why it happened (no shame or blame).

  • Ask or state the consequences of their actions(e.g., That vase was special because my aunt gave it to me; the other kids couldn't learn when you were running around the classroom).

  • Ask what your child could have done differently to prevent the issue.

  • Ask your child what they will do differently in the future.

  • Ask your child what they would like to do to make amends for their mistake (e.g., give some of their allowance money to buy a new vase; write an apology note to the teacher).

This kind of calm, problem solving discussion sends the message that your child is capable of preventing and correcting mistakes, that you believe in them, and that you love them no matter what.

Did you recognize yourself in any of these examples?

If so, please know that you're in good company. These phrases are used by so many parents, because we're all doing the best we can with what we know.

When we learn more, we can try new things that are even more effective in accomplishing our goals and intentions with our children.

The goal of all of these examples is to offer support when you want to praise your child or help them correct their behavior, in a way that teaches your child to do the right thing, lifts your child's self esteem, and brings you and your child closer.

If any of these examples resonate with you, I invite you to give them a try.


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