Are Your Limits Clear?
Do you ever feel frustrated when your child doesn’t comply after you've said "no" or set a limit?
If so, you're not alone. Many parents experience this.
Do any of the following sound like your child?
They don’t take 'no' for an answer.
They try to negotiate or argue about everything.
They just ignore me and do it anyway.
They get angry or disrespectful when I say 'no.'
They don’t listen the first time, and I have to repeat myself over and over.
They act like I’m being mean or unreasonable.
They sulk or give me the silent treatment.
They act like they’re entitled to whatever they want.
They try to go behind my back.
They make me feel guilty for saying 'no.'
They think the rules don’t apply to them.
These challenges are especially common with strong-willed children. When our kids respond in these ways, it can leave us feeling frustrated, disrespected, defeated, sad, anxious, embarrassed, or even guilty. Over time, conflicts, power struggles, and yelling can become a pattern in the household, often without any real progress.
If this sounds familiar, know that you’re definitely not alone.
One common root cause of these ongoing battles, which I’ve seen in my work with families, is unclear communication between parents and children.
Here’s what I mean:
When we say “no,” we think we’re holding up a big, red stop sign.
But our kids may interpret that “no” as a “maybe” or even a “yes.”
How does this happen?
It often comes down to the strength of our signals. Let’s look at some examples of soft signals versus strong signals.
1) The Cookie Snatcher
A young child knows they’re not supposed to have snacks before dinner, but while their parent is busy, they grab a handful of cookies. When the parent discovers this, the following exchange occurs:
Parent: You know you’re not supposed to have snacks before dinner. You’ll ruin your appetite. If I let you eat snacks whenever you want, you’d never be hungry for meals, and you wouldn’t get the vitamins you need. If you feel like eating something before dinner, would you let me know? Okay?
Child finishes the cookies and nods.
This is a soft signal. The parent has clearly explained the rule and the reason for it, but the child might have learned that eating snacks is acceptable as long as they nod along to the lecture.
A strong signal might look like this:
Parent (calmly): "We don’t eat snacks before dinner. Please put those snacks away.
If the child doesn’t comply, the parent could calmly take away the uneaten food. Here, actions reinforce the limit.
2) The Lawn Mower Debate
A teen or tween is supposed to mow the lawn on Saturday before doing anything else, but they make plans with friends and plan to say they forgot. As the child is getting ready to leave, the parent says, “Don’t forget to mow the lawn before you go.”
Child: Do I have to? I have plans with my friends.
Parent: You know the rule. You have to mow the lawn before doing other things. You skipped it last week, and promised you'd mow today. Remember?
Child: Why can’t I do it later? I promise I’ll get it done this weekend.
Parent: If you mow the lawn now, you’ll have the rest of the day to spend with your friends.
Child: But I don’t want to do it now. Can’t we compromise? I’ll mow the front lawn this afternoon and the back lawn tomorrow. I promise.
Parent (wearing down): Okay, but this can’t happen every time. Do you understand?
What the child may actually come to understand is that mowing the lawn is negotiable. When limits are frequently open to bargaining, children may see them as flexible or optional.
A strong signal might look like this:
Parent: You need to mow the lawn before you see your friends.
Child: But everyone is meeting up now! I’ll miss out.
Parent (calmly): I understand how much you want to see your friends. Unfortunately, you didn’t plan this out well. You need to mow the lawn first before you see your friends.
Child: But, that’s not fair!
Parent (calmly and firmly): We’re done discussing this now. Mow the lawn first, then you can see your friends.
Here, the parent holds the limit without giving in to the debate.
It’s important to note that it’s not just one instance of a soft signal that causes confusion, but the ongoing pattern. When kids repeatedly encounter mixed signals, it can lead to frustration for both parents and children.
Setting clear and consistent boundaries can be challenging, especially with strong-willed children. It often requires an internal shift — remaining calm, standing firm, and trusting in our decisions, even when it feels uncomfortable at first.
This shift might also involve reflecting on any underlying beliefs or fears we have about setting stronger limits, such as, "Will my child hate me?" or how we interpret their behavior, like, "My child is being disrespectful. Did I do something wrong as a parent?" I often help parents address these issues in coaching.
Limits around the issues that are truly important are essential for building a more peaceful, cooperative household. Your children are learning how the world works through their interactions with you. By giving them strong, clear signals, you help them understand limits and expectations. This doesn’t just reduce power struggles in the moment – it fosters mutual respect and helps your child feel secure within the boundaries you set.
Keep trusting your instincts. Every step toward clearer communication benefits both you and your child, bringing more harmony and understanding into your home.
If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed, unsure, or stuck in a frustrating cycle with your kids, you’re not alone. We all face those tough moments, but there’s always a way through.
I’d love to help you find your way, too. If you’re ready to explore new strategies for calmer, more connected parenting, reach out to me. Together, we can make those tough moments feel a little less tough - and a lot more manageable.
1) Schedule a free, confidential consultation - Click HERE to connect for a one-on-one conversation about your family. I believe every family deserves guidance that honors your individual needs, and I’m passionate about helping parents find practical, meaningful solutions that help their family thrive. Let’s work together to create positive and lasting changes for your family.
2) Click HERE for my free guide about how to stay calm when you really want to yell.