How To Learn And Benefit From these Challenging Times
Covid-19 has taken away the normal ways we commemorate special life events, whether it’s births, marriages, birthdays, graduations and even funerals. It can sometimes feel like there’s no meaningful way to recognize these important times when we can’t be together with our friends and the people we love.
Some lessons about this crystallized for my family a month ago when my father-in-law passed away. He’d been ill for a while and his death from heart disease, unrelated to Covid-19, was not unexpected. But the timing during the pandemic felt terrible and complicated the arrangements.
Because of Covid-19, no more than 10 people could come to the funeral home, which excluded everyone outside the immediate family. It seemed unlikely military honors would be allowed at the funeral. This had been something important to my mother-in-law. We were also told we would have only ten minutes at the veterans’ cemetery, which was conducting burials only two days a week, and could allot only forty minutes to complete each one.
None of these scenarios were going to give my family the full funeral ceremony and comfort of community that is traditionally part of this time. My mother-in-law felt there was no point in doing anything and that she should just wait for a time when she could have a memorial service that everyone could attend.
And then the funeral director called back and said that she could stream the funeral on Zoom. Knowing that people could be with us virtually changed everything. The plans for the funeral and cemetery service were back on. Military honors were secured. At the cemetery, we were lucky to have all the time we needed, because ours was the last burial before the staff went to lunch.
Having the funeral was a gift to everyone involved. The friends and family who wanted to honor my father-in-law and support our family were grateful to participate on Zoom. Our family was able to honor our husband, father and grandfather and experience some closure from the funeral service. We felt tremendously supported by the rituals of our faith and all the people who joined us virtually.
We also made meaningful substitutions. For example, in Judaism, for the seven days following the funeral, called Shiva, the immediate family traditionally sits at home and refrains from work. Family and friends visit to provide comfort and support. Because of social distancing, we had a “drive by” Shiva in the cul-de-sac. During certain hours, the family sat at the edge of the driveway and people drove by in their cars to talk to us. It was uplifting to feel connected to and cared for by all those who came.
Grief, as well as anxiety, can prevent us from seeing what is possible. We learned that even if it wasn’t exactly the way it would have been in “normal” times, even though it wasn’t perfect, we did what we could, we adapted, and we received even more than we expected and realized we needed.
This issue comes up a lot these days, in coaching the dedicated parents I work with. So many things feel inadequate – home schooling, being able to see friends, getting out of the house, finding time for work and parenting, and finding time for ourselves. Adaptations abound, sometimes there is no perfect solution, and we can wonder about the point of it all. Are we actually getting anywhere, is anything working, are our kids okay, and are we falling short as parents?
After our experience with the funeral, my family would say it’s important to keep going, to try, even if the solutions don’t seem perfect. Even in regular times, our initial solutions may need to be improved. Although the pandemic makes things harder, we can still learn from our attempts, make necessary changes, and even benefit more than we expected.
So, if you’ve been worried, frustrated, doubting yourself, or slipping into inaction, and want to start moving forward, I invite you to consider these questions for yourself.
1) What is an area in your life where you’re hesitating to act, or you’re wondering “What’s the point?”
2) How does not taking action feel safer than taking action? What would you have to give up if you tried something?
3a) For parents with children at home: What do you want your children to learn about how to keep trying when times are challenging?
3b) For parents with grown children: What did you teach your children about how to keep trying when times are challenging?
4) Where might you be able to take some action, even if it’s not a perfect solution?
5) Where can you find community and support to make solving this problem easier?
One of the most important things my family learned is that even though you may be physically isolated, you are not alone! You can draw on your inner resources and your community to meet these unprecedented challenges with creativity, solidarity, love and compassion.
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