3 Ways To Get More Cooperation From Your Kids
One of the ongoing struggles of parenthood is teaching our kids acceptable ways to behave and be contributing members of our family.
When we tell or ask them to do simple things like clean up, get dressed, go to bed on time, or help us with chores around the house, we can find we're ignored, or our child says they'll do it later but they never do, or they talk back.
It's infuriating!
Unfortunately, the old method of simply demanding that things get done doesn't work as well as it used to. Society has changed and kids are different now. We're not living by the old rules where parents' demands were unquestioned and inspired fear if kids didn't comply.
This doesn't mean that you still don't have authority in your family or that you don't have the right to hold high expectations of your kids. Of course you do!
Instead, it means that engaging more cooperation from your kids requires a different approach.
One that invites cooperation more than demanding it.
One that creates a family culture that teaches respectful communication (that your kids then use with you), and motivates kids to cooperate because they believe in themselves, and care about us.
Here are 3 tips to help your kids cooperate when you've been asking and asking, and things still aren't getting done.
Each tip includes examples for different age groups.
1) Describe What You See
With this approach, you use a neutral tone to state a factual description of what you see.
The value of this approach is that it takes away the anger and accusations you might usually use, and helps your child focus on what needs to be done.
Without all the strong emotions coming from you, there is less likelihood your child will feel defensive or angry and argue with you, and more likelihood that your child will solve the problem.
Examples:
>> For Kids Five and Under
Instead of: Stop leaving your jacket on the floor! I'm not going to pick it up for you. Do you think I'm your maid?
Try: I see a coat on the floor.
>> For Elementary School Kids
Instead of: I'm sick and tired of telling you to turn off the light in your room! How many times do I need to remind you?
Try: The light's on in your bedroom.
>> For Tweens and Teens
Instead of: Why are your clothes still all over your floor? I asked you to put them away yesterday! I'm not going to keep buying you new clothes if you don't show more respect for your belongings.
Try: I noticed a lot of clean clothes on your bedroom floor.
2) Provide Information
This approach helps children understand the reason behind what you're asking them to do.
Understanding the "why" for your request can make what seemed like unreasonable nagging, a logical, easy thing to do.
Providing information can also inspire confidence in children, because they perceive that you believe in them to behave responsibly once they have the necessary facts.
A calm, neutral tone of voice is important here, so both you and your child remain calm, and your child focuses on what you want them to do and not on your frustration.
Examples:
>> For Kids Five and Under
Instead of: Stop bouncing your ball in the living room. You're going to break something!
Try: Bouncing balls belong in the backyard.
>> For Elementary School Kids
Instead of: Why do you keep leaving the milk on the table after breakfast?
Try: Milk gets sour if you leave it on the table.
>> For Tweens and Teens
Instead of: Why isn't anybody helping me? You know company is coming. You can see that the kitchen floor is dirty and you should know to offer help.
Try: Company is coming in an hour and I need your help vacuuming the kitchen in the next 15 minutes.
3) Use Humor and Playfulness / Write A Note
If it fits your personality and mood to be a little playful, creative humor can be a powerful way to help kids relax, have fun, and do what you're asking. Experiment and see what works. It might be fun for you too!
Examples:
>> For Kids Five and Under
Make an inanimate object talk:
> When your child won't put on their shoes to get ready for school and you're tired of asking and arguing, you could use a funny voice and pick up the shoes and say,
"I really want to go to school with (child's name). Don't leave me at home all by myself!”
Make it into a game:
When your child won't get in the car, you could say,
"I wonder if we can skip all the way to the car?"
>> For Elementary School Kids and Tweens and Teens
Write A Note
Children enjoy getting notes from their parents. For the younger kids, reading them makes them feel important, and they get to practice their reading skills. For kids of any age, it's something different that gets their attention. Kids can also appreciate that we took the time to write to them.
Sometimes, it's also nice for us as parents to write rather than talk in order to get through to our kids. Keep the notes short and to the point, but loving. If it fits your personality, add some humor too.
(Better for Elementary School - When your child isn't walking the dog)
Dear (child's name),
I really need some exercise and I love spending time with you.
Will you please take me for a walk?
Love,
Spot
(All ages - When they are not cleaning up like you've asked)
Dear (child's name),
I'd really appreciate your help.
Please take care of the dishes in the sink and your shoes by the door.
Thank you!
Love,
Mom
Additional Tips For Success:
It's normal to need a little practice when you're trying a new approach.
If you and your child are in some deep patterns, you may need to try more than one of these. It's also okay to increase the intensity in your voice if you're having to ask 2 or 3 more times.
You can still be successful using these approaches without using the old ways of speaking to kids.
Here's to smoother parenting and even more cooperation from your wonderful kids!
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