What To Do When Your Kids Feel Anxious
There’s a lot for kids to worry about these days. The fears surrounding Covid-19 add a layer to the many, common anxieties kids face – separation anxiety, monsters under the bed, fear of getting laughed at, and test anxiety to name a few. And with the school starting soon, your child may be feeling the normal worries about the new year.
Maybe you’ve tried telling your kids not to worry, they’ll be fine, or that everything will be okay.
Often, though, that doesn’t work as well as you hoped.
Here are 3 steps that will.
STEP 1: Keep Yourself Calm
I know from personal experience that when our children tell us about their fear and anxiety, our initial reaction is often to figure out how to protect and comfort them, and help their anxiety go away.
Our anxiety can rise as we try different things and none of them work. We might start worrying that we’re not going to be able to help our child stop feeling anxious. We might even project farther into the future and worry about what will happen if our children don’t learn how to cope with their situation.
In these moments, we’re actually mirroring the worry and hopelessness our kids are feeling.
We also might start to feel frustrated or angry that our child is worrying again, especially if it doesn’t seem like a big deal to us. We really want them to get over this and we let them know what we think they should do.
If any of these is you, I’ve been there and I totally get it. Please know your feelings make perfect sense and you’re in good company. Many of us have felt this same way.
What can you do instead?
First: Tell yourself that your worries and reactions are totally normal! It’s part of being a caring parent.
Second: Calm yourself down with whatever strategy best fits you best. It could be leaving the room, deep breaths or meditation, going outside, listening to music, doing some yoga or other exercise, listening to something that makes you laugh, or talking to someone. You may have other solutions. Use what works best for you.
Third: Stay in the present and follow the steps in this article. I’m sharing practical tips to help your child calm down, so you don’t have to worry that they won’t! I also want to help you learn how to identify solutions for your child’s anxiety.
STEP 2: Help Your Child Calm Down
When your child is anxious and worried, the most helpful thing to do first is to help them calm down.
When we’re anxious, the level of cortisol, the stress hormone in our bodies, goes up and our brain goes into fight, flight or freeze mode. Our rational brain is unavailable for a logical discussion of the situation. We have to calm down first.
It can be hard for anyone, especially kids, to handle their anxiety on their own, and it's a relief to know that a parent is a safe, understanding person who can accept your big feelings and help you deal with them.
So, as your child tells you what is upsetting them, let your child know you completely accept their reaction and that their feelings make sense. However we feel is how we feel!
Don't try to talk your child out of their feelings. It won’t work. Instead, listen carefully to what they are saying.
>> As you listen, you can say things in a caring voice that show you understand, like:
I understand how hard this is.
This feels really upsetting.
You’re really worried about X.
You’re afraid X will happen.
>> Try to avoid statements like these:
Why do you always worry about this?
It will all work out.
There’s nothing to worry about.
That’s not going to happen.
You’ll be fine.
Why don’t these statements typically work?
While your child is under stress, they believe their situation is serious, and they physically can’t stop worrying. Despite your encouragement, they don’t believe it will all work out and they don’t fully believe in themselves. Remember, they don’t have access to the rational, logical part of their brain at that moment.
What they want most is to feel seen, loved accepted, and understood.
Listening to and validating your child’s feelings will allow them to feel seen, loved, accepted and understood by you.
This is what will help them calm down.
If you do nothing else but this, you are giving your kids tremendous emotional support which, in turn, helps your children build their confidence and relationship with you.
STEP 3: Talk With Your Child About What Is Bothering Them
You’ll want to do this only after your child calms down.
There are three objectives for this conversation:
(1) Create a safe environment for your child to talk.
(2) Understand the underlying reasons for your child’s anxiety.
(3) Find solutions.
If your child is young and has trouble talking, you can ask them to draw or paint a picture of their feelings. Then, compliment their picture and ask them questions about it.
>> Create a safe environment for your child to talk
You can do this by saying you want to understand more about how your child is feeling and help make things easier for them. Use whatever words are natural to you to help your child know you care, and want to understand and help.
>> Understand the underlying reasons for your child’s anxiety
The key to understanding is asking questions whose answers tell you where the fear is coming from and what your child is worried will happen. Try to ask open-ended questions instead of questions that can be answered by a simple yes or no. To make sure you understand, you can periodically restate what you think your child is saying, and ask if you are getting it right.
Even if you think you know what is going on, it is often important to ask questions anyway.
Here’s an example:
The eleven-year-old son of a client was really anxious after he got a failing grade on a major assignment. He generally got Bs in school and worked hard for them. My client had tried talking to her son, but hadn’t been able to get very far without her son shutting down. We talked about how to get her son to open up, and questions my client could ask to understand what was upsetting her son.
As the mom implemented what we discussed, her son admitted that the worst part was knowing that the failing grade couldn’t be changed, and feeling that he couldn’t recover from it. And every time he looked at the grade book, he would see the low grade and feel bad again.
Despite knowing her son well, this mom would not have guessed these specific issues were troubling him. Without this information,she would not have been able to help her child find a solution for the most important things he was feeling.
And if she had jumped to saying, “Don’t worry, you’ll do better on your next assignment,” her son would have resisted her encouragement. Fortunately, this mom created a safe environment for her son and asked good questions.
>> Find solutions
Once you understand the underlying reasons for the anxiety, you are ready to problem solve.
One way to start is to give your child a sense of control by asking if you can discuss some solutions together to help make things easier. Depending on your personality and that of your child, you can decide if this feels comfortable for you. If you’ve been creating a safe environment, asking good questions, and showing you understand and care, your child will most likely say yes!
There are many types of anxiety, and solutions vary depending on your child’s age and personality. Solutions can range from learning how to breathe and calm down, to getting tutoring, to using a special “spray” to scare away the monsters, to getting new information that corrects a misunderstanding or helps them see the situation differently.
Sometimes it helps kids feel better if you share that you have had similar fears in your life (only share if it’s true!). Be sure not to force your child into any situation that feels uncomfortable to them. Ask what steps your child is willing to take. It’s totally fine to take small steps toward the larger goal.
Anxiety often doesn’t go away completely. But, with repeated practice, support and time, anxiety can lessen and be effectively managed. Your support of your child through this process can help tremendously.
>> The deeper messages you’ll be sharing with your children are:
It’s normal to feel anxious and worried sometimes.
You can share you fears with me and I will love, understand and help you.
Difficult things happen in life and you can find solutions to make things better.
I believe in you.
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